Ramblings...

This white chocolate peppermint hot chocolate is pretty darn good and it is helping to mask how pathetic I feel sitting here at Stone Creek Coffee - alone. I do it all the time, but for some reason being surrounded by chattery, young college students has me feeling a bit inferior. I should get over it. I’ll work on that. 

I’m trying to become a writer. You know, one of those people who is incredibly creative and has an amazing way of describing the most ridiculous things in the most beautiful ways. Perhaps that will never really be me, but sitting here typing away on my MacBook makes me feel a little more like a human being with value. It just took a while to get past the, “oh my gosh, I feel so old sitting here” feelings. I think I am getting over all of that now...well maybe. I’m back on the college students and I’m pretty sure I was going to get over that.

Let’s talk about relationships. I am slowly becoming an expert on relationships that end with no real reason. Through it all I believe I am learning an incredible lesson, one I want to pass along in someway to other young ladies. However, I’m not really sure how that can actually be done. For the time being, I’ll write about it because writing is what makes my poor lonely soul feel like it has a voice. It also make the loneliness feel like it has a purpose and the lessons I learn could not be learned in any other way. It is, however, slightly terrifying to put some of your most personal mistakes and lessons learned up on the internet for the world to read. Who am I kidding, no one really reads my blog, but what if someone did one day! Randomly an actual human being, maybe someone I even know, could stubble upon my silly little blog and shake their heads over my ridiculous ramblings on and on about things that more than likely make literally no sense at all. Oh my, I think I should begin reconsidering my decision on this one. 

Fireflies

It is 12:30 in the morning, I’m listening to the song “Call Your Name” by Daughtry. I love Daughtry. I have since American Idol. I just happened upon this song on iTunes tonight in my complete boredom. It is, somehow, perfect. I’m thinking about fireflies. I see them on my drive home from work every night, thousands of them. There were more in our yard when I walked to my car to get my iPod. Hundreds of them just flickering in the summer night. It really is beautiful. I remember when I was a little girl running around the backyard trying to catch them on hot summer nights. I was always a little afraid of actually having to hold one, so I may not have tried as hard as I could have to actually catch them. I did, however, catch them. I think my sister always out did me on the number of fireflies actually captured. We used to fill jars with them and then feel bad and let them go. They did look a little creepy and pathetic in those jars…just banging against the glass…trying to get out. I feel a bit like those fireflies tonight….a firefly caught in a jar. I feel like I am in a place I don’t belong and I’m not really sure how I got here, but here I am…banging against the glass. Perhaps I need to surrender to the reality the Lord has put me in this summer, but I can’t help but want to be set free…or to be that little girl again, running around the back yard catching fireflies…

Reality

Ever had one of those mornings when getting out of bed just feels impossible? I have them every day. I’m proud to admit that sleeping is my favorite thing to do. Probably because it is an escape and every once in a while my dreams take me to a place I actually want to be. Reality can totally bite.


This morning was a rainy overcast morning, it felt almost like night time in my room. If it hadn’t been for my screaming alarm I may have believed it was still the middle of the night, but it wasn’t. It was actually time to get up. My bed felt oh so comfortable. I believed for a moment it had actually taken me hostage and it was literally physically impossible to force my tired body out of it. I moved…I was wrong. The sheets felt cool and crisp, just as they should on a summer morning. I stretch my legs and arms across the bed as far as they could possible stretch. Nothing could feel more wonderful than my warm body reaching the cool corners of my bed. I could feel the scratchy fabric of my pillowcase against my face and I closed my eyes and pressed my face into my pillow harder. I.did.not.want.to.get.up. Just five more minutes, or 10, or 20, or an hour. Is it possible to spend a whole day in bed? I never had, but if I could I would have spent today in bed. Oh, I should have.

About reality, yeah, it does suck. It slapped me in the face big time today. I’m 28, but sometimes I really do feel like I am about 12, such a little girl with so very much to learn. Why is it always so hard for me? The happy moments never seem to last longer than 30 seconds and I feel like I am constantly at war with myself and my life. Just once, it would be wonderful if just one of my dreams would come true. I don’t even need all of them to come true, but maybe just one. Let me teach or let me fall in love? I’m asking too much.

Today I received and email thanking me for participating in the search for a teacher in the Oconomowoc School District. No, I didn’t get the job. Honestly, it sucked. That was my only real possibility. Three interviews and so much hope and just like that….SLAP. Reality bites. Now what? I honestly feel so lost, is it really supposed to be this difficult? If the Lord wanted me to teach wouldn’t it all just work out, fall into place, happen!?! I’m honestly at a loss, hope is far away. I realize I shouldn’t allow myself to even go to this place, but I am there. At least today I am. I’d like to be in my bed, with my arms and legs stretching from one edge to the other and my face planted in my perfectly soft pillow. In my dreams, I’m a teacher. I’m a wife. I’m a mom. I’d like to be there…in my dreams.

The good news is I’m going to bed now. I’m going to take my weary and disappointed body and crawl into my big, soft bed. The covers will be cool and crisp, just like they should be. I’ll curl up like a little baby and find comfort in the fact that in this place I can be the little girl that I feel I am tonight. I’ll cry and the scratchy fabric of my pillowcase will start to feel wet. I hate that. I’ll eventually fall asleep and maybe in my dreams I’ll feel happy. Tomorrow is a new day and I probably won’t want to get out of bed.

I never really thought it would be possible to have a career that brings me this much pleasure. I love every aspect of teaching - even on those long hard days. Staying late at school doesn't seem all that horrible when it means I am learning and growing as an educator. Now, over a month into student teaching, I know my students. I know who struggles with reading and who won't be able to keep up with the rest of the class during math. Knowing these things doesn't make teaching them any easier, but at least I recognize their needs. I'm amazed at how much I have changed in just a short period of time. Oh how I long for the day when teaching is second nature, but for now it requires so much more thought and preparation!

This week was an excellent one! In spite of the fact that I began it with a rash covering every inch of my body and who knows if I actually passed my APT test or not. The point is, I taught for almost the entire day and I lived to tell about it. Even better, the kids lived to tell about it. I still have so much to learn and so far to go when it comes to instruction. Sometimes I get frustrated with myself over how difficult it can be for me to explain things to my first graders. I am told, all of this comes with practice.

I also discovered this week what a truly horrible thing divorce is. Oh how I hate it and the way it hurts my sweet little first graders. There are several students in my classroom who's parents are going through a divorce right now and boy oh boy is it impacting their emotions, ability to work at school, and their overall well being. If only parents would realize what they are doing to their sweet children when they decide they can't put up with each other any more. I had one student tell me today that he lives with his dad every other weekend because his "mom and dad couldn't stop fighting and dad kept getting arrested, so they had to get divorced." WHAT!?! Completely breaks my heart. I hope that for even just a moment my student felt the love of Jesus through me at some point in this week. Especially for my students who's lives seem so much more complicated than they should be for a little 6 year old child!

A Teacher's Work

I have to remind myself that I am actually a teacher - even if I don't have the slightest sensation of feeling like one at all. What I have been learning these last few days is that a teacher's work never [ever] ends! I haven't taught a single lesson [nope, not even one] but every second of my day is filled with something related to teaching [it is all my brain can think about these days]! I just spent the past 3 hours doing teacher related activities [the details of which are much too thrilling for this boring blog!] and am feeling completely worn out! Goodness it's hardly 9:30 and I'm ready for bed! This cold I caught from Erin [or maybe Carter or Adam] won't go away - so that is also sending me to bed early tonight. Does it sound like I'm complaining? I'm not...I'm loving every second I have with those sweet first graders! I want to remember this feeling when teaching becomes such a normal part of my life I forget to remember just how thrilling it was at the beginning!

First Day

I feel exhausted, but what an exciting day I have had! It is official, no turning back, really truly reality - I am a [student] teacher. I think the reality [and the responsibility] have yet to settle in. I couldn't have asked for a better situation to be in, I just love the school I have been placed in. It is something only the Lord could have arranged for me. My cooperating teacher is just amazing. She is an incredible teacher and I already feel so comfortable with her. I really feel I am going to learn so very much from her and all the wonderful students in my classroom!

The students are amazing and constantly telling me hilarious things. Today, as I was helping a student get her mittens on and coat zipped for recess told me that she was glad she could have two teachers because now when she is the last person ready for recess she doesn't have to be alone. This little girl has already touch my heart. And so have many of the other students. All of them are dear and I am so thankful for this opportunity to touch their lives.

The desire of my heart is that I am able to be a light to these little children and hope that they are able to see the love of Christ in me. It truly is my deepest desire for this whole experience. I figure the details of teaching will all work themselves out, but more than anything I want my heart to be in the right place.

Like I said, I am exhausted. I'm off to write a letter to the parents of my students and then to bed before I fall over dead!

Shadowfeet

Shadowfeet by Brooke Fraser

Walking, stumbling
On these shadow feet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing
Less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began

And I have sensed it all along
Now fast approaching is the day

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

There's distraction
Buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
But I've heard rumors of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way

You make all things new

Patton Elementary

I really couldn't be happier with my experience today at Patton Elementary School. From the kids to the teachers it seems like such a wonderful place to work. I already know that I am going to love my time there (and will be so sad when it ends).

While the day was wonderful, I can't help but feel completely overwhelmed and so unprepared for what is ahead of me. Watching Julie (my cooperating teacher) work with her students was amazing to me. She really is a wonderful teacher and I wonder if I will ever be able to instruct in such a smooth, seemingly effortless way. I can't spend my time trying to be like Julie. I know that I am my own person and will teach in my own way, but I still hope that I can be at least half as awesome as she is.

As I begin this journey as a student teacher my heart's desire is to be a bright shining light at Patton. I hope that my students will see Jesus' love in my eyes - even if they don't realize that is what they are seeing. I want more than words could ever express to be a light in the darkness, a reflection of Jesus Himself. I want that even more than I want to be an excellent teacher. I figure as long as I am in His will, and being a testimony of His love the rest will take care of itself....

Next Wednesday I begin the real thing - I really can't wait!