Reality

Ever had one of those mornings when getting out of bed just feels impossible? I have them every day. I’m proud to admit that sleeping is my favorite thing to do. Probably because it is an escape and every once in a while my dreams take me to a place I actually want to be. Reality can totally bite.


This morning was a rainy overcast morning, it felt almost like night time in my room. If it hadn’t been for my screaming alarm I may have believed it was still the middle of the night, but it wasn’t. It was actually time to get up. My bed felt oh so comfortable. I believed for a moment it had actually taken me hostage and it was literally physically impossible to force my tired body out of it. I moved…I was wrong. The sheets felt cool and crisp, just as they should on a summer morning. I stretch my legs and arms across the bed as far as they could possible stretch. Nothing could feel more wonderful than my warm body reaching the cool corners of my bed. I could feel the scratchy fabric of my pillowcase against my face and I closed my eyes and pressed my face into my pillow harder. I.did.not.want.to.get.up. Just five more minutes, or 10, or 20, or an hour. Is it possible to spend a whole day in bed? I never had, but if I could I would have spent today in bed. Oh, I should have.

About reality, yeah, it does suck. It slapped me in the face big time today. I’m 28, but sometimes I really do feel like I am about 12, such a little girl with so very much to learn. Why is it always so hard for me? The happy moments never seem to last longer than 30 seconds and I feel like I am constantly at war with myself and my life. Just once, it would be wonderful if just one of my dreams would come true. I don’t even need all of them to come true, but maybe just one. Let me teach or let me fall in love? I’m asking too much.

Today I received and email thanking me for participating in the search for a teacher in the Oconomowoc School District. No, I didn’t get the job. Honestly, it sucked. That was my only real possibility. Three interviews and so much hope and just like that….SLAP. Reality bites. Now what? I honestly feel so lost, is it really supposed to be this difficult? If the Lord wanted me to teach wouldn’t it all just work out, fall into place, happen!?! I’m honestly at a loss, hope is far away. I realize I shouldn’t allow myself to even go to this place, but I am there. At least today I am. I’d like to be in my bed, with my arms and legs stretching from one edge to the other and my face planted in my perfectly soft pillow. In my dreams, I’m a teacher. I’m a wife. I’m a mom. I’d like to be there…in my dreams.

The good news is I’m going to bed now. I’m going to take my weary and disappointed body and crawl into my big, soft bed. The covers will be cool and crisp, just like they should be. I’ll curl up like a little baby and find comfort in the fact that in this place I can be the little girl that I feel I am tonight. I’ll cry and the scratchy fabric of my pillowcase will start to feel wet. I hate that. I’ll eventually fall asleep and maybe in my dreams I’ll feel happy. Tomorrow is a new day and I probably won’t want to get out of bed.