Show Me How to Die...

I came across this song last night and was overwhelmed by the message in it. I find myself again at a point in life where I feel worn out and weary. I have hopes and dreams and I have watched all of them fade away. I feel beaten down and worn out. I have cried out to the Lord begging for His Glory to shine through me - that in this time of brokenness His love, His grace, His mercy would shine through me to others. I want my agony to have a purpose, to reach others, so that I don't feel I've suffered in vain...

"You could raise me like a banner in a battle, 
Put victory like a fire behind my shining eyes...
But for now just let me lie"

This song reminded me that often, crumbled at His feet is exactly where my Jesus wants me. He wants me to first die to myself - to let go of my own hopes and dreams, to allow Him to live through me.

"Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die
Oh, not before You show me how to die."

Tonight this is my own prayer. He could raise me like a banner in a battle, He could plant me like a tree beside a river, set me like a star before the morning....but not before He shows me how to die.

So before I ask for my wounds to be healed, for my happiness to be restored, I ask that He first show me how to die (which He has done). These dreams I have, these hopes I so often cling to are nothing compared to knowing Him, to experiencing His love, grace and mercy in new ways. He has brought me to this place for a purpose - so that I might learn how to die. He has only allowed me to reach this point so that He might show me His great love for me.

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." Galatians 2:20

Good Things

Tonight I am in a quiet and painful place, as I find myself at the feet of Jesus completely broken. I'm not here because I made a poor decision or mistake. I am here because the Lord decided for this moment, for this time, crumbled at His feet is exactly where He wants me to be.

I am watching my own hopes and dreams, goals, and ambitions one by one taken from me. Not in a mean, malicious way but in a loving, "this is what is best for you" way. Like when a parent purposefully doesn't allow their child to do something they so desperately want to do, able to see what is truly best for their child even when their child doesn't recognize it.

I am that child. 

I have been told so many times "God wants only good things for you." The assumption is that He intends only good for our lives. Happy moments are from God and those sad moments must be Satan attacking. What if those sad moments were ordained by God? What if He allowed or even welcomed difficult times for His children? Would you be willing to accept even those difficult times as from a loving, Heavenly Father?

This place would be unbearable if this was not the case. If I did not believe that God is Sovereign, that all things that happen in my life pass through His hands, that He is constantly at work in my life - even in those difficult to understand situations. 

He has allowed it. He wants me crumbled in a ball at His feet. This sweet place of surrender is where He intended me to be. Oh the hurt is deep and so difficult to understand, but this place is so sweet. As I rest at His feet I recognize that His love is by far the greatest. Would I have been able to recognize this had He not allowed this hurt? 

Yes, I believe God has good things in store for me, but not at the expense of knowing Him in a deeper way. He must first refine me. 

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."  1 Peter 5:10

It is for His Name that He refines me with affliction. He is most glorified when I am broken. Though He does not leave me in this place, but promises to restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish me. 

This is a promise.

I will hold Him to it, but I know already He is keeping it. 

Yes, I wish being a Christian meant only happy wonderful things in life. This just isn't reality. However, I refuse to think any less of my Heavenly Father because of the sad times in life. In fact, I see Him even better through my tears. His love is overwhelming. He has not left me alone to hurt or suffer. He has provided me a Helper, the Holy Spirit, who intercedes on my behalf. In those moments when the pain may be too deep for words. When I feel confused or uncertain, He overwhelms me and meets my every need. 

This is the place He has allowed me to walk to...so here I will sit. I will not deny my own feelings or hurt or confusion, but I will also not deny that He is who He has promised. His love never fails. He brought me here and He will carry me every step of the way. 

There is good even in this hard place.

There's an Anchor for my soul...

"There's a peace I've come to know, though my heart and flesh may fail. There's an Anchor for my soul, I can say, It is well..."

The lyrics to this song recently jumped out at me as I contemplated the reality that my heart will wander. I've always loved the song "Come Thou Fount" because there is a line in there that says "Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for Thy courts above." Recently I have felt so aware of the reality that my heart WILL wander. I'd like to think I have it all together, I'll always make the right choices, do the right things, and honor the Lord always with my words, thoughts and actions. Truth is, I don't. Sometimes I really screw up.

When I say screw up, I mean screw up. Sorry if my language is offending you, but it's just the truth. I always seem to find myself at a place where I need to beg the Lord for His forgiveness. I know that I always have His forgiveness, but there are times when I feel my sin is too great. Or I have failed in the same area too many times, perhaps Jesus will tire of forgiving me and drawing me to Himself yet again.

I was at this place just a few weeks ago. My sin felt overwhelming. I had done what I promised myself and the Lord I would never do again - willingly, knowingly I walked right into the Enemy's trap for me. I felt ashamed.

Then I heard this song, over and over. Every time I turned the radio on, every time I turned my iPod on, it was there for me..."There's a PEACE I've come to know, though my heart and FLESH may fail. There's an Anchor for my soul...." Think about that - an anchor. What does an anchor do? It prevents a ship from drifting, going in a direction it shouldn't, being lost at sea. Oh my friends! Do you realize there is an Anchor for our souls!?! Though we fail over and over and over our Savior will NEVER allow us to be lost at sea. HE is our Anchor! What PEACE!

He planned it this way because He knows us, He knows that we will fail. He provided a way so that we can never be lost. He has given us the Holy Spirit who LIVES IN US and is continually drawing us to the Father!

What peace to know that I am never "too lost" for Jesus. He will never allow me to get to that point. Because HE is my Anchor! HE holds me fast, and because of this I CAN say "It is well!"

Such peace!