WHAT!?!

WHAT!?!?!

It is, apparently, something I have been exclaiming on a rather regular basis this week. My coworkers pointed it out to me first and then I began to notice it coming out of my mouth at a rather alarming rate.

It describes perfectly my current feelings toward my life. It isn't a defiant, rebellious "WHAT!?!?" It is more like a cry of "UNCLE!" or "TIMEOUT!" or "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?"

Excuse my humanness for a moment - I'm not actually a perfectly sweet Christian girl. I do have moments when I throw my hands up in the air and exclaim "ARE YOU KIDDING ME, LORD!?!" I'm not mad at Him, I just don't understand what He is doing.

I REALLY don't understand what He is doing.

Over and over He brings me to this place of utter and total brokenness. I'm nothing more than a crumbled, broken, bruised and beaten mess and He is sweetly reaching out to me...

"Trust Me," He says.

I do trust You, but honestly I need a few minutes to react to this current shattering of my dreams. Why am I here? Did I make a mistake or have You simply brought me here to teach me something I would never learn otherwise?

I don't know if you have felt this way or if you know the secret to overcoming these feelings of frustrated brokenness, but I'm feeling them. I'm feeling them often this year.

The Enemy whispers in my ear lies and half truths, he wants me to give up. Let go, give in, do your own thing, find a way to make yourself happy. I'm not sure what your response would be to this, but I've about had it. Honestly, Satan, you can get lost.

I have come to this dark place because I took Jesus' hand and He led me here, and newsflash, He's still got me. I can still feel HIS hand over mine. It may be dark and I may not be able to imagine how this pain ends or how I move on, but HE IS HERE.

I'm so determined not to lose sight of this reality - that HE IS STILL WITH ME, I'm almost angry. I feel all fired up. I want to slap Satan in the face and rebuke him for thinking he could get me while I'm down. No doubt, he knows exactly what pain to capitalize on. What he doesn't get is that no matter how much it may hurt or how difficult it may actually seem, I'm not giving in this time. Not so much because of me, but because the Lord has this grip on me and He isn't letting go.

I woke up in a panic last night, I'm not even sure what my deal was. I had to cry out "Oh God hold fast, because I am too weak to hold on to You on my own." I literally said that out loud. Does this make me weird? I hope not. It is so precious, so sweet to me that even in the night I am compelled to call out to Him.

Confession: This was not always our relationship.

Believe it or not (and you should believe it) I often chose temporary happiness and comfort over the eternal comfort of my Jesus. So, for me this is sweet change. Real evidence that I am becoming less and He is becoming more.

Hint: This is why He brought me here.

Really, it isn't intentional mean torture. He allows the pain for a reason and then He uses that pain to rid us of ourselves and make Himself MORE to us. I believe He does this so that in the end His Glory blows us away.

I believe this and I remind myself of it over and over again. Not only that, I remember that my own happiness isn't the goal. The goal is that HE is glorified in me and if HE is most glorified when I am a crumbled, broken, bruised, and beaten mess then so be it.

As much as I would love to get out of this place, to forget this pain, to move on, I desire HIS glory more. Deep, deep down I want that above all else. So even when I have my moments of "WHAT!?!?" with the Lord when it is all said and done my heart says "Have Your way with me..."