Ask Me.

As a child did you ever ask your parents for something absolutely ridiculous? 

I did...all the time actually. 

I remember as a little girl begging my dad to let my sister and I build a wall through the middle of our bedroom so we each could have our own room. I shared a room with my sister from the moment she was born until I moved out in my 20's. Don't get me wrong, I loved being with my sister. We were, and still are, best pals. But I had had enough of her sleep talking, occasional sleep walking, her "little sister" ways and, let's be honest, her mess. We both felt we would benefit from having our own space. So we devised an excellent plan to solve the problem - a wall. Not just a partition but an ACTUAL wall built, drywall and all, through the center of our room. And we were dead serious about this...at least I was! We drew plans on some graph paper and with our color pencils showed where the wall should go. We debated were the door should be and who would get the side with 2 windows (which of course was me. I am, after all, the oldest and bossy like that...duh!). After carefully considering our decisions on furniture placement, deciding who would be hired to BUILD the wall, and rehearsing in our minds how to present our request, we took our design to Dad.

I don't really remember what happened after all of this, but I can tell you - a wall was NEVER built in the center of my bedroom. Knowing my dad, he patiently listened to our plan and thoughtfully gazed at our well drawn "design." He likely smiled, but I'm sure he kept the laughter to himself. In the end he said "no" to our request, but that didn't keep me for adjusting my dream of my own room to his desires for how his little girls would dwell in the house he worked hard to provide. 

Eventually, my sister and I devised a plan that involved using our bunk beds as a "partition" of sorts - one side being mine and the other my sisters. To this plan my amazing dad said "yes." It wasn't what I originally asked for and certainly not what I thought I wanted in the beginning, but I was pretty excited about having my own space. The furniture was moved. I got the side with two windows and she got the side with the door. And knowing myself, I probably made her "knock" before coming over to my "side" of the room.

Writing this has me feeling so blessed to have the dad I have - he is an amazing earthly reflection of my Heavenly Father!

You see, I have this request, this thing I desperately want. It isn't a "bad" thing it is just an "extra" - something that would make me happy. Not just a little happy but a big kind of happy - an overflowing, crying cuz I'm happy, happy. Honestly, I don't know if it is what is "best" for me. I think it is a good thing, but I remain unsure of how God feels about it. My lack of clarity on what the Lord desires in this situation leaves me feeling lost.

Last night I engaged in conversation with my Heavenly Father over it. And you know what He said? 

He said "Ask Me." 

Really, I can just ask You?

I don't know why, but I often feel like I shouldn't ask God for things unless I know it is His will. I don't want to beg for something ridiculous like a wall through the middle of my bedroom. I'm an adult, I can ask for rational things now.

Have you ever prayed like this? "If it's Your will, if I dare ask, if You are okay with it...um, would you maybe, just consider, possibly, I don't know....only if YOU want to...but I'd maybe like it if, um...could You..._____, of course only if You really wanted to do this." I feel like this is a theme in my recent petitions regarding this dream I have. I become so focused on having the right "motive,"  praying in "God's will," and avoiding "begging" that in the end I never have the courage to actually make my request known to Him.

For whatever stupid reason I don't allow myself to ask God for those "walls through my bedroom," those little girl dreams. I'm a big girl now, so I ask Him for big girl things. Like wisdom for the day, patience with the current pace of life, comfort for my hurting friends, and so on. I shy away from expressing to Him what is truly on my heart - in case it might be in some way too "out there" for God. But He already knows what is on my heart and He is fully aware of how deeply I want that little girl dream and I think He longs to hear me ask HIM to fulfill my dreams.

I am His child and He is my Daddy.

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!"

Matthew 7:7-11

Oh how happy it made me to ask Him. To pour out my heart's desire, to take my graph paper and colored pencils and show Him exactly how I thought it should go. It thrilled me to crawl into His lap and ask like a little girl for my little girl dream. And somehow, in asking, I was also surrendering...opening my heart to hear His answer, to receive His direction.

How freeing it is to ask as His child, knowing that He will answer as my Father - only allowing what is within His perfect will for me. Only giving me what is absolutely the best. My dad knew the wall through the middle of my bedroom was extreme, but he didn't scold me for dreaming, he did what was best. He may have said "no" but his response helped me to adjust my dreams to fit his plans for me.

"Prayer is not simply getting things from God - that is only the most elementary kind of prayer. Prayer is coming into perfect fellowship and oneness with God." 

Oswald Chambers

My asking is less about getting what I want and more about coming into "perfect fellowship and oneness with God!" I ask for my little girl dream so that He can reveal HIMSELF to me. I ask so that I might understand Him and His will, even if His answer is "no."

So just like my dad said "no" to the wall through the bedroom, my Heavenly Father may say the same of this little girl dream. And just as my dad sent me away to adjust my dreams to his desires for me, my Heavenly Father does the same. By taking my requests to Him through prayer He helps me to align my dreams to His. I give Him my little girl dreams and He returns them as God sized dreams.

This asking is just one part of the process of discerning His direction for me.

He has greater things in store than we can even imagine...if we would just ask.

Hallways

Confession: I just spent a ridiculous amount of time on Pinterest. I spend most of my time on there drooling over women's fashion. If I was rich I'd be the best dressed woman in Wisconsin, but I'm poor so I have to settle for drooling over the pictures posted on Pinterest and going to Target and trying to come up with less expensive ways to look that awesome. It never really turns out the way I want it to.

Anyway. This post isn't about Pinterest or women's fashion.

I came across this quote on there "Until God opens the next door for you, praise Him in the hallway."

It has me thinking about a lot of different things....Please forgive the upcoming excessive use of this hallway/door metaphor....

Here's the deal. I feel like I've been in the hallway for a really long time. I beginning to wonder if He knows He has left me out here. Um. Still here, Lord.

Earlier this year I was going through a particular trial, the Lord clearly closed the door to something I desperately wanted. And when I say desperately, I mean I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY wanted it. I didn't think my desires were really all that out of line either, because what I wanted was something GOOD. The Lord had rather different plans and closed the door.

Cue the sad music.

For some time I sat outside that door and didn't want to budge. I'll admit that initially I was pounding at that door asking - no begging - God to open it for me. He didn't. After a while I stopped pounding, but I allowed myself to emotionally sit outside that dumb door.

I really didn't want to move. I figured as long as I wasn't begging God to give me what I wanted I was okay to just sit outside that door. Seriously, I did not want to move.

I won't go into the details of how the Lord, so lovingly and patiently helped me walk away from that door (oh how perfectly HE loves us), but eventually I did leave that spot. It was a matter of surrender. Of trusting His ways to be far better than my own. To trust HIM and HIS perfect knowledge of what is truly best for me, to accept His perfect will for me, and to let go of those desires I so desperately longed to hang on to.

Um. Cue the happy music, right? I said, happy music? Hmmmm....

I'm still in the hallway.

It is easy to have those, as Oswald Chambers calls them, "mountain top moments" with God. Where He reveals something INCREDIBLE and we stand at the top of a mountain with our arms stretched wide in surrender and praise to Him. But then we have to walk down that mountain...we have to return to our every day lives...we have to continue to walk the hallway He has put us in. This is when it becomes a bit more difficult for me.

I struggle with wanting the Lord's answers and direction instantly. I don't want to wait for Him to reveal these mysteries to me. And I'll admit, I still walk past that door and I have to surrender it all to the Lord again....

To be honest, I'm tired of this hallway. I'm really beginning to wonder if I get to move on from this place. And I wonder, when it comes time to walk through another door, will I have the courage to step through - I feel like the pattern these days is for those doors to close suddenly...

Am I the only one who has ever felt this way?

It isn't like I didn't already know, but the concept of praising Jesus in the hallway is a pretty incredible one. Is that really all that He wants from me while I wander this hallway? I do believe that He is up to something and in the mean time He wants me to learn to praise Him regardless of my circumstances.

I don't know where you find yourself on this journey - if you are in the hallway, knocking on a door, or  about to walk through a door into an amazing adventure. Regardless of where you are on this particular journey - He wants our praise every step of the way.

He is certainly worthy of it.

So here's to the hallway! May He give us the strength to lift our hands in praise to Him no matter how long He keeps us in this place. May He enable us to surrender in obedience to His perfect will for us. May He grant us the courage to knock on doors and walk through them when He asks us to.

Source: tumblr.com via Miye on Pinterest

Stop Telling...

"The purpose of my life belongs to God, not me. God is using me from His great personal perspective, and all He asks of me is that I trust Him...When I stop telling God what I want He can freely work His will in me without any hindrance...He can crush me, exalt me, or do anything else He chooses. He simply asks me to have absolute faith in Him and His goodness." ~Oswald Chambers

I have these words on a post-it note on my bathroom mirror. Which means that every morning these words stare me in the face...or I stare at them...something like that. 

Technically every morning I'm reminding myself that the purpose of my life belongs to God (that's not to say every morning I actually remember to live in the reality that my life belongs to Him). As I stumble through my morning, frantically getting ready for the day - the purpose of it all isn't really up to me. As I think about it I find it all rather amazing - the Almighty God has a personal interest in ME. Um, really? That's in Tiffany, right...huh...really? 

Incredible. 

I'm not sure if it's a girl thing, a Tiffany thing, or just a human thing - but I really desire to have purpose. I want to know that my life isn't for nothing. I want to see that all the crap I go through on a seemingly regular basis has some kind of meaning in it. Otherwise I just feel like a pointless mess. So I set out to find meaning for my life - what is that great, amazing, incredible thing that GOD has called me to do? In what awesome way is HE going to use me? I exhaust myself trying to figure it out, seeming to constantly fail in actually achieving any sense of real purpose. I get up, go to work, come home and repeat...I serve in the children's ministry at church and go to bible study...I read my bible, I pray....I spend time with my friends and my family...over and over and over again. Where is the purpose in that? How, Lord, are You going to accomplish anything of worth in THAT?

Silence.

Well, Lord, if You are going to be so quiet on the matter at hand, let me tell you a few things I think would be excellent options for the "purpose of my life." I really should be teaching - you created me to teach, after all. And while we are at it - I should probably be married and be a mom. If You're listening, Lord, I have some splendid ideas of how all of that should work out. Beginning, of course, with a tall dark and handsome man, who is (of course) in love with You and just happens to be incredibly successful at, well, everything he does. Should I keep going...because I could.

I sound pathetic, how annoying. 

Perhaps the best part of this quote from Mr. Chambers is the part where he says "when I stop telling God what I want, He can freely work His will in me without any hindrance."

Convicting.

"When I stop telling..."  So really I just need to shut up on the matter. Sometimes it is really hard for me to be quiet (understatement of the year). I really enjoy talking. A lot. I think I have some pretty good ideas, too. Not to mention the things I desire really aren't all that extravagant, are they??

Oh friends! If only it was easier for us (and I'm speaking to myself first) to remember that our Heavenly Father has this "Great Personal Perspective." He sees things we do not. He knows things we never will. He is carefully working out His perfect plan for each of us and loves each one of us so intimately He will stop at nothing to see His glory shine through our lives. All He asks of us is to simply TRUST Him.

Really Convicting.

I must stop. Stop telling, and simply accept what He has for me. Seek to exalt Him in all that I do - no matter how pointless it may seem. 

I'm not sure how this makes you feel, but personally I am experiencing a sense of relief. I really don't have to figure it all out. I don't need to discover what that the ONE GREAT thing is God wants me to do. I simply need to live a life surrendered to the Holy Spirit - to trust Him to fulfill His purpose through me. 

Somehow we ALWAYS end up back at SURRENDER. 

"He can crush me, exalt me, or do anything else He chooses. He simply asks me to have absolute faith in Him and His goodness."

Absolute Faith. 

To accept the good, the bad, the happy and sad, the ugly, the boring and seemingly pointless moments of my life as opportunities to reflect the love and life of the LIVING GOD! To remain surrendered to His work in my life, to simply TRUST His promises to me. To have ABSOLUTE FAITH in Him and His goodness.

"...whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." 

1 Corinthians 10:31

Isaiah 42:16

And I will lead the blind

in a way that they do not know,

in paths that they have not known

I will guide them.

I will turn the darkness before them into light,

the rough places into level ground.

These are the things I do,

and I do not forsake them.

~Isaiah 42:16~

 

 

I'm not a bible scholar, so don't expect me to know the full meaning of this particular passage in Isaiah. I believe it is actually a prophetic passage, but Bible School was a long time ago and I haven't taken the time to investigate further. Today, for me, this passage is perhaps the most encouraging verse of scripture I've read all month.

 

"I (this is the LORD speaking) will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them." I am personally in the process of (trying) to make some major life decisions. I'm not sure if it's being on the verge of 30 or what, but I have been reevaluating my life and my future. As all these thoughts fly around my tiny skull, I feel as if I am blind - completely clueless as to where my life is going - this path I do NOT know....and yet, HE has promised to guide me.

 

"I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground." Have you ever felt completely in the dark in a situation, life in general just seeming "rough?" This is recurring theme in my life. Oh, I wish it were different, but it isn't. I am in the dark. This place I find myself is beyond "rough," it is unknown and uncomfortable. THIS is in no way what my life was supposed to look like 6 months before 30! Honestly, I feel completely unfulfilled, alone, and empty...and yet, HE has promised to turn this darkness, this uncertainty, into LIGHT and to level the ground I am walking on. These words are so comforting to me.

 

And now the icing on the cake, two little lines spoken JUST for me. I supposed you can claim them for yourself, if you really want to...but, really friends, when I read these words I broke down in tears - they are just for me! "These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them." This is what GOD does! It is His very nature to guide me, to turn my darkness to light, and to level the ground I stand on. He does not forsake doing this for me because He can not - I am His daughter, His precious irreplaceable possession - and these are the things HE does! This concept is overwhelming, almost too much for my heart to hold!

 

It is more than true that my life feels a bit out of control as I blindly navigate the rough places HE has brought me to. There are no words to express the joy that is felt in recognizing that He will not forsake me, His purpose for me remains unaltered. My confusion over life's circumstances are not an indication of His perspective on them - He knows exactly what He has allowed. He has chosen to keep me blind to my destination, the purpose for this rough place, but that does not alter the fact that He will guide me. He guides me to places I do not know, which means, to me, the place He is taking me to is nothing like the place I am in today - and that is a comfort.

 

I have been reminding my Dear Heavenly Father (not that He has forgotten) that these are the things HE does!! I am holding to this truth as if it was my very hope of living....because it is.

Be Still

Be still and know that I'm with you

Be still and know that I Am here

Be still and know that I'm with you

Be still, be still and know

When darkness comes upon you and covers you with fear and shame

Be still and know that I'm with you

And I will say your name

If terror falls upon your bed and sleep no longer comes

Remember all the words I said 

Be still, be still and know

And when you go through the valley and the shadow comes down from the hill

If morning never comes to be

Be still, be still, be still

If you forget the way to go

And lose where you came from

If no one is standing beside you

Be still and know I Am!

Be still and know that I'm with you

Be still and know I AM!

Faithful One

I find no hope within to call my own...for I am frail of heart, my strength is gone, but deep within my soul is rising up a song...here in the comfort of the FAITHFUL ONE.

I walk a narrow road through valleys deep, in search of higher ground on mountains steep. And though with feet unsure I still keep pressing on, for I am guided by the FAITHFUL ONE.

FAITHFUL, FAITHFUL TO THE END
MY TRUE AND PRECIOUS FRIEND
YOU HAVE BEEN FAITHFUL
FAITHFUL SO FAITHFUL TO ME

I see Your wounded hands, I touch Your side, with thorns upon Your brow You bled and died. But there's an empty tomb, a love for all who come and give their hearts to You, the FAITHFUL ONE!

FAITHFUL, FAITHFUL TO THE END
MY TRUE AND PRECIOUS FRIEND
YOU HAVE BEEN FAITHFUL
FAITHFUL SO FAITHFUL TO ME

And when the day is gone, and when the race is won, I will bow down before God's Only Son. And I will lift my hands in praise for all You've done, and I will worship You, my FAITHFUL ONE.

None But Jesus

Good old Oswald brings it home again...

"There is only one relationship that really matters, and that is your personal relationship to your personal Redeemer and Lord. If you maintain that at all costs, letting everything else go, God will fulfill His purpose through your life." O.C.

There is no one else for me....none but Jesus...

Stand Firm In Faith...

"Stand firm in faith, believing that what Jesus said is true, although in the meantime you do not understand what God is doing. He has bigger issues at stake than the particular things you are asking of Him right now." Oswald Chambers

These words cut right to the heart of all I feel burdened with tonight - "He has bigger issues at stake than the particular things you are asking Him right now."

Have you ever been in this place as well? At a place of pleading and begging God to DO a particular something in your life only to wait and wait and wait. It almost seems as if He isn't even listening to us. Is He listening to us?

WAIT.

He has something bigger at stake...the things I am asking of Him are less important than the work He is doing in my life. What a thought! He sees the whole picture...we only see this moment in time.

Oh if I would be able to recognize more completely that HE IS UP TO BETTER THINGS. I must set aside these desires, these lesser things that He may want for me, but not at this particular time.

Jesus,
I am so busy begging You to give me my heart's desire. I have completely lost sight of the wonderful reality that You ARE up to something in my life. Whatever the "bigger issue" is that You are focusing on in my life - open my blind eyes to see it. Please reveal to me where Your focus is on me so that I can make that my focus as well! My narrow mind is so focused on my loneliness - but You are focused on something else! Whatever it is, Lord, forgive me for my own selfishness and help me to be sensitive to what you desire to do in my life. Yes, Lord, I do feel confused about why life is the way it is. Holy Spirit, help me to accept the silence I hear on the matter of my loneliness. Help me to be at peace even when I feel confused by what the Father is doing in my life. Even though I don't always understand Your ways I remain surrendered to You. Forgive my selfishness and open my eyes to the work You want to do in my heart and my life right now - in the middle of all this loneliness! 

More Surrender

Jesus' joy was complete surrender to the Father. This must also be my joy - surrender. So, here's my resolution - I'm letting go. It is a continued theme in my life. I must daily surrender, daily resolve that my desires fade in the light of who my God is and His desires for me! 

My only purpose is holiness....life isn't about happiness or boyfriends, jobs or apartments. Life is about holiness.

"The only thing that truly matters is whether a person will accept the God who will make him holy....

At all costs, a person must have the right relationship with God...God has only one intended destiny for mankind - holiness. His goal is to produce saints." Oswald Chambers

As I reflect on these words and the truth in them, I am taken by the reality that all God is interested in regard to me is my holiness - setting me apart from the rest for Himself. Life's circumstances are for that purpose. He desires to use even the lonely Saturday nights of my life to make me more holy, more like His Son. He will stop at nothing.

I still find myself in this dark cave and I'm beginning to feel that I'm not leaving this place for a while. But here I am with the God who loves me more than I'll ever understand. His love is what has brought me here and it is here that I lift my hands in surrender and in worship. It may be too dark to fully understand the purpose of these lonely nights, but I do believe there is a purpose. If nothing else so that I might reflect on Who my God is and how He loves me. 

I remain surrendered! Holy Spirit, grab hold of my heart and guide me. Show me exactly what I should do today and tomorrow. Give me YOUR joy. Help me to remain surrendered to You and Your desires for my life. Make me a woman who simply reflects Christ in all she says and does. Have Your way with me. Fill my heart and mind with thoughts of only You tonight. 

WHAT!?!

WHAT!?!?!

It is, apparently, something I have been exclaiming on a rather regular basis this week. My coworkers pointed it out to me first and then I began to notice it coming out of my mouth at a rather alarming rate.

It describes perfectly my current feelings toward my life. It isn't a defiant, rebellious "WHAT!?!?" It is more like a cry of "UNCLE!" or "TIMEOUT!" or "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?"

Excuse my humanness for a moment - I'm not actually a perfectly sweet Christian girl. I do have moments when I throw my hands up in the air and exclaim "ARE YOU KIDDING ME, LORD!?!" I'm not mad at Him, I just don't understand what He is doing.

I REALLY don't understand what He is doing.

Over and over He brings me to this place of utter and total brokenness. I'm nothing more than a crumbled, broken, bruised and beaten mess and He is sweetly reaching out to me...

"Trust Me," He says.

I do trust You, but honestly I need a few minutes to react to this current shattering of my dreams. Why am I here? Did I make a mistake or have You simply brought me here to teach me something I would never learn otherwise?

I don't know if you have felt this way or if you know the secret to overcoming these feelings of frustrated brokenness, but I'm feeling them. I'm feeling them often this year.

The Enemy whispers in my ear lies and half truths, he wants me to give up. Let go, give in, do your own thing, find a way to make yourself happy. I'm not sure what your response would be to this, but I've about had it. Honestly, Satan, you can get lost.

I have come to this dark place because I took Jesus' hand and He led me here, and newsflash, He's still got me. I can still feel HIS hand over mine. It may be dark and I may not be able to imagine how this pain ends or how I move on, but HE IS HERE.

I'm so determined not to lose sight of this reality - that HE IS STILL WITH ME, I'm almost angry. I feel all fired up. I want to slap Satan in the face and rebuke him for thinking he could get me while I'm down. No doubt, he knows exactly what pain to capitalize on. What he doesn't get is that no matter how much it may hurt or how difficult it may actually seem, I'm not giving in this time. Not so much because of me, but because the Lord has this grip on me and He isn't letting go.

I woke up in a panic last night, I'm not even sure what my deal was. I had to cry out "Oh God hold fast, because I am too weak to hold on to You on my own." I literally said that out loud. Does this make me weird? I hope not. It is so precious, so sweet to me that even in the night I am compelled to call out to Him.

Confession: This was not always our relationship.

Believe it or not (and you should believe it) I often chose temporary happiness and comfort over the eternal comfort of my Jesus. So, for me this is sweet change. Real evidence that I am becoming less and He is becoming more.

Hint: This is why He brought me here.

Really, it isn't intentional mean torture. He allows the pain for a reason and then He uses that pain to rid us of ourselves and make Himself MORE to us. I believe He does this so that in the end His Glory blows us away.

I believe this and I remind myself of it over and over again. Not only that, I remember that my own happiness isn't the goal. The goal is that HE is glorified in me and if HE is most glorified when I am a crumbled, broken, bruised, and beaten mess then so be it.

As much as I would love to get out of this place, to forget this pain, to move on, I desire HIS glory more. Deep, deep down I want that above all else. So even when I have my moments of "WHAT!?!?" with the Lord when it is all said and done my heart says "Have Your way with me..."

Show Me How to Die...

I came across this song last night and was overwhelmed by the message in it. I find myself again at a point in life where I feel worn out and weary. I have hopes and dreams and I have watched all of them fade away. I feel beaten down and worn out. I have cried out to the Lord begging for His Glory to shine through me - that in this time of brokenness His love, His grace, His mercy would shine through me to others. I want my agony to have a purpose, to reach others, so that I don't feel I've suffered in vain...

"You could raise me like a banner in a battle, 
Put victory like a fire behind my shining eyes...
But for now just let me lie"

This song reminded me that often, crumbled at His feet is exactly where my Jesus wants me. He wants me to first die to myself - to let go of my own hopes and dreams, to allow Him to live through me.

"Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die
Oh, not before You show me how to die."

Tonight this is my own prayer. He could raise me like a banner in a battle, He could plant me like a tree beside a river, set me like a star before the morning....but not before He shows me how to die.

So before I ask for my wounds to be healed, for my happiness to be restored, I ask that He first show me how to die (which He has done). These dreams I have, these hopes I so often cling to are nothing compared to knowing Him, to experiencing His love, grace and mercy in new ways. He has brought me to this place for a purpose - so that I might learn how to die. He has only allowed me to reach this point so that He might show me His great love for me.

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." Galatians 2:20

Good Things

Tonight I am in a quiet and painful place, as I find myself at the feet of Jesus completely broken. I'm not here because I made a poor decision or mistake. I am here because the Lord decided for this moment, for this time, crumbled at His feet is exactly where He wants me to be.

I am watching my own hopes and dreams, goals, and ambitions one by one taken from me. Not in a mean, malicious way but in a loving, "this is what is best for you" way. Like when a parent purposefully doesn't allow their child to do something they so desperately want to do, able to see what is truly best for their child even when their child doesn't recognize it.

I am that child. 

I have been told so many times "God wants only good things for you." The assumption is that He intends only good for our lives. Happy moments are from God and those sad moments must be Satan attacking. What if those sad moments were ordained by God? What if He allowed or even welcomed difficult times for His children? Would you be willing to accept even those difficult times as from a loving, Heavenly Father?

This place would be unbearable if this was not the case. If I did not believe that God is Sovereign, that all things that happen in my life pass through His hands, that He is constantly at work in my life - even in those difficult to understand situations. 

He has allowed it. He wants me crumbled in a ball at His feet. This sweet place of surrender is where He intended me to be. Oh the hurt is deep and so difficult to understand, but this place is so sweet. As I rest at His feet I recognize that His love is by far the greatest. Would I have been able to recognize this had He not allowed this hurt? 

Yes, I believe God has good things in store for me, but not at the expense of knowing Him in a deeper way. He must first refine me. 

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."  1 Peter 5:10

It is for His Name that He refines me with affliction. He is most glorified when I am broken. Though He does not leave me in this place, but promises to restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish me. 

This is a promise.

I will hold Him to it, but I know already He is keeping it. 

Yes, I wish being a Christian meant only happy wonderful things in life. This just isn't reality. However, I refuse to think any less of my Heavenly Father because of the sad times in life. In fact, I see Him even better through my tears. His love is overwhelming. He has not left me alone to hurt or suffer. He has provided me a Helper, the Holy Spirit, who intercedes on my behalf. In those moments when the pain may be too deep for words. When I feel confused or uncertain, He overwhelms me and meets my every need. 

This is the place He has allowed me to walk to...so here I will sit. I will not deny my own feelings or hurt or confusion, but I will also not deny that He is who He has promised. His love never fails. He brought me here and He will carry me every step of the way. 

There is good even in this hard place.

There's an Anchor for my soul...

"There's a peace I've come to know, though my heart and flesh may fail. There's an Anchor for my soul, I can say, It is well..."

The lyrics to this song recently jumped out at me as I contemplated the reality that my heart will wander. I've always loved the song "Come Thou Fount" because there is a line in there that says "Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for Thy courts above." Recently I have felt so aware of the reality that my heart WILL wander. I'd like to think I have it all together, I'll always make the right choices, do the right things, and honor the Lord always with my words, thoughts and actions. Truth is, I don't. Sometimes I really screw up.

When I say screw up, I mean screw up. Sorry if my language is offending you, but it's just the truth. I always seem to find myself at a place where I need to beg the Lord for His forgiveness. I know that I always have His forgiveness, but there are times when I feel my sin is too great. Or I have failed in the same area too many times, perhaps Jesus will tire of forgiving me and drawing me to Himself yet again.

I was at this place just a few weeks ago. My sin felt overwhelming. I had done what I promised myself and the Lord I would never do again - willingly, knowingly I walked right into the Enemy's trap for me. I felt ashamed.

Then I heard this song, over and over. Every time I turned the radio on, every time I turned my iPod on, it was there for me..."There's a PEACE I've come to know, though my heart and FLESH may fail. There's an Anchor for my soul...." Think about that - an anchor. What does an anchor do? It prevents a ship from drifting, going in a direction it shouldn't, being lost at sea. Oh my friends! Do you realize there is an Anchor for our souls!?! Though we fail over and over and over our Savior will NEVER allow us to be lost at sea. HE is our Anchor! What PEACE!

He planned it this way because He knows us, He knows that we will fail. He provided a way so that we can never be lost. He has given us the Holy Spirit who LIVES IN US and is continually drawing us to the Father!

What peace to know that I am never "too lost" for Jesus. He will never allow me to get to that point. Because HE is my Anchor! HE holds me fast, and because of this I CAN say "It is well!"

Such peace!

Recognize

I recognize that You have the power to change it all, to put an end to the waiting, to make all the uncertainty clear.

I recognize that the Holy Spirit dwells in me, and therefore, You also know exactly how I feel. There is no need to even express my emotion to You because You already know it. Not only do You know it, You feel it along with me.

You made me this way. You created me to love and feel deeply. It is at times my least favorite part of who I am, and yet I recognize that it is how You have created me.

I recognize that You have the power to change it all and I'll stop asking You to...

"God's purpose is not just to answer our prayers, but that through prayer we might come to discern His mind." Oswald Chambers

John 17:11

"And I am no longer in the world, but they are in the world and I am coming to You. Holy Father, keep them in Your Name, which You have given me, that they may be one, even as We are one."

This life - every single experience is allowed by God and His purpose is that He and I be as ONE!

Nothing else matters.

NOTHING ELSE MATTERS!

Only that I be one with my Heavenly Father. My job really doesn't matter, my desire for a relationship - all of it fades in comparison to the importance of becoming one with the Father, to being filled with His love. One with Christ and one with the Father. It seems impossible, really. Yet, Jesus prayed this for me and it is recorded for me in John 17 so that I remember that Jesus' deepest desire for me was to know Him and His Father intimately! To be one.

This life means so little. I am but a vapor. If yelling it made it more clear, I would. Because all that I want is this - oneness with my Jesus!

Today

Sometimes I am so busy looking into the future -where will I be in 5 years, where will I work, serve, who will I marry? I become so focused on the revaluation of God's will for me in the future instead of realizing that TODAY He has a purpose and a plan for me. He wants me to be faithful to Him in the small, day to day things. Right now in this moment He wants to reveal His purpose for me- for right now. I should not allow myself to become weighed down by the future, because as I am faithful in the small things, as I do His will for today, He is working out my future. Right here, right now. He is always faithful and never once have I or will I walk alone. Today - right now - He wants to lead me in something wonderful!

Obedience

"Obedience in the small details prepares the believer for obedience in all things."

Obedience, Obedience, Obedience. I am nothing on my own. If left to myself I would never obey. I would go my own way. Thank the Lord for the Holy Spirit who faithfully does for me what I can not do for myself. Who intercedes for me. Who knows the Father's will and is carefully doing in my own heart what I would not do on my own. Thankfully He (the Holy Spirit) fills the "gap."

"When it is a question of God's almighty Spirit, never say, "I can't." Never allow the limitation of your own natural ability to enter into the matter." Oswald Chambers

"Have we been falsely accusing God by daring to worry after He said, "But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you."? Oswald Chambers


"Never forget that our capacity and capability in spiritual matters is measured by, and based on, the promises of God." Oswald Chambers


I lack faith! I lack trust! I am failing to "seek first!" Do I believe that God keeps His promises?!? If I do then I will also recognize that none of this is about me - it is all about the Holy Spirit! My "job" is to simply SEEK FIRST! Then "all these things" will be added in God's time as He faithfully keeps His promises to me.

He will provide a career, a ministry, a husband, and a family - all in His time. I must  enjoy and make the most of this journey because every moment is being used to shape me into who He wants me to be!

There is nothing I can "do." I must simply seek first. I must have faith and cling tightly to my God. Who promises wonderful things to me. Who won't leave me lonely forever. Who has a most wonderful plan - one where He is glorified and I get to be a part of it all.

Matthew 6:33

Matthew 6:33 "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

This verse has been brought to my attention multiple times in the last week. Most recently in church tonight as we worshiped together and celebrated Christ's resurrection, His victorious triumph over death, when His life was offered in place of mine, when He became sin so that I might have eternal life and a relationship with my Heavenly Father.

The words have been in my mind periodically for the past several days, and tonight I can't stop thinking about the importance of seeking first the kingdom of God. Who is Lord of my life? Who is my king? Who do I look to for security and meaning? All of these questions rolled through my mind this evening, and like any good Christian woman, I answered "JESUS!" Yes, Jesus. But is He truly Lord of my life, King of my thoughts, my actions, my emotions, my motives? Am I truly seeking first HIS kingdom or am I motivated by my own desires, my own goals, my own needs? 

Convicting.

Think about it for a moment..."seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness..." I can't do it, not on my own. No matter what Tiffany gets in the way. My needs, desires, motives...they really aren't all that bad. It is actually perfectly normal for a 28 year old single woman to desire to be married, to want children, to want to love and be loved...."But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness..." 

Convicting.

If there was a formula I would give it to you. If I understood exactly how to release "me" I would share it with you. Truth is, I don't really have the answer. All I know tonight is that my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night out to be on God, His kingdom, His righteousness...Him alone. My focus shouldn't be my career, a husband, or any other seemingly important "thing." My focus ought to be nothing less than Christ, to be doing all that He calls me to do. Living moment by moment in the victory of His resurrection, dying to myself so that others will see Christ in me. 

So I lay it all aside, all those wants, needs, motives...all of it. Surrendered to my King, Jesus. Who is the only King who will never disappoint, never fail, never leave, never make a mistake. He is trustworthy. He paid the ultimate sacrifice so that I might know Him. He gave His life so that I could have these very thoughts tonight. Because He lives I must live for Him. 

My life is an ongoing example of what it looks like to surrender everything to Jesus, to take it all up again and struggle in my own strength, only to surrender again, beginning the same process over and over again. Truth is, the Christian life is all about surrender and it has to be done over and over, moment by moment. Why? Because I'm human, because I'm Tiffany. 

He is faithful to continually draw me to Himself....to so lovingly call me to be obedient to Him. 

God & I had a moment....

God and I had a moment on Sunday. He spent the weekend allowing me to fall as low as emotionally possible and the moment my alarm went off on Sunday morning I was begging Him to meet me at church. I needed Him, I needed to be reminded of all that He is, of His love for me, I needed something I could grab hold of and look to when life seemed impossible.

He met me at church alright. It was like nothing I've ever really experienced before.

Looking back I realize that my "moment with God" on Sunday would never had been if I hadn't had such a difficult weekend, if my heart hadn't felt broken, if I hadn't reached the end of myself. So often I wonder why He lets me walk down certain paths, why hurt seems to come so unnecessarily, or why He would let life get so low. I recognize now that this weekend He allowed me to get so low, He was silent all weekend long, so that on Sunday morning when we sang in worship "Hallelujah, all I have is Christ. Hallelujah, Jesus is my life." I would feel His presence so strongly, I would recognize that nothing else in this life matters but Christ and I would sing at the top of my lungs, full of emotion, because My God is all I have and all I need.

Philippians 4:4-7

"Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say, Rejoice! Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand, do not e anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

This passage is amazing..."and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding (as in it's beyond what anyone could explain or make sense of!), will (not might, but will) guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." What comfort....do not be anxious, rejoice in the Lord (not just anything....but in HIM)!