Good Friday

I love Easter. If you asked me what my favorite holiday is, most of the year I'd say Easter. I get a little more conflicted around Christmas and New Years. Anyway, there is a reason why Easter is my favorite time of year and this Easter I have been remembering that day not too many years ago when it became my favorite holiday.

I was a rather broken woman at that point in my life. I remember lying in my bed in my apartment in Kenosha. I was alone. The most alone I had ever felt in my entire life. I had begun to hate that apartment and all that it represented - my life slowly and dangerously adrift as I sought to meet my own needs, live life my way, and only allow Jesus into the parts of my heart that didn't demand any kind of serious life change. My heart was no longer His but my own. I had pushed Him back to the farthest, smallest corner. Stuffed away so He wouldn't mess with the things I wanted desperately to cling to. But He didn't die to live in the farthest, smallest corner of my heart. He died to consume all of me and He fought, pursued, chased, pushed, and pressed on my heart until it broke....until I gave in and realized HE was all my heart really wanted, until I finally surrendered all.

I remember how dark the room was, the glow of my ipod, the way the lights from the parking lot made lines on the wall like a prison cell. I felt like I was in prison, my covers weighing down on me like a wet beach towel, or maybe the heaviness was my heart and not so much my covers? I remember wanting so desperately to cry out for Jesus, but I felt such shame. I was completely lost. I was once all His and somehow, somewhere I had pushed Him away and made my life mine.

I hope none of you have ever felt so far from Jesus you can't even find the words to speak to Him. I felt like a child who had been caught with her hand in the cookie jar - busted for my sin and now too ashamed to even speak to the One who had died to save me from it. 

I hope I never forget that moment, so totally empty all I could say was Jesus. In a whisper and almost a question as if to ask, Are you still there? Even when I pushed You away? But all my lips could form was one word, but it was all I needed to say...Jesus. Then the song, the piano, the guitar, those first few notes and those first few words....piercing through the cracks in my broken heart until they reached those far corners in the back. And just as soon as His Name left my lips, Jesus filled every part of my broken heart. 

And with those words and that moment He reminded me..."But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

I remember the tears that came and how wet my pillow got. How I played the song over and over. How my heart felt like it might burst. How He used my brokenness to open my eyes to my desperate need for Him. How with one whisper He came rushing in. How suddenly the weight of my sin, the price that He paid, the day that He died all became so incredibly real. It was for me, for me He died. My sin held Him there. This sin held Him there. And even when I pushed Him back into the farthest, smallest corner He never left. He waited, He pursued, He loved. Me. This selfish, broken, messed up girl. He loves!

And with a whisper and a song, just a few days before Easter He rescued a lost little girl. She finally let go and He held fast. Oh how I love Him, Savior and Friend!

Up Calvary's mountain one dreadful morn

Walked Christ my Savior, weary and worn

Facing for sinners death on the cross

That He might save them from endless loss

Blessed Redeemer, Precious Redeemer

Seems now I see Him on Calvary's tree

Wounded and bleeding, for sinners pleading

Blind and unheeding, dying for me

"Father, forgive them," my Savior prayed

Even while His lifeblood flowed fast away

Praying for sinners while in such woe

No one but Jesus ever loved so

Oh how I love Him, Savior and friend

How can my praises ever find end

Through years unnumbered on Heaven's shore

My songs shall praise Him forevermore

Motivation

What's your motivation?

Do I love Jesus simply because He loves me? Or is my love for Him motivated by what I desire to receive from Him?

These are questions (among many others) that were raised while I was sitting in a pew at church last weekend attending a conference for women. Within (what felt like) minutes of the start of the conference my heart was being challenged. I expected God to do this - because I had asked Him to challenge me and He took me up on my invitation. I'm always surprised when He does this...I really should start to get used to it.

It began with something like "Give God the ONE THING you're afraid to lose." Say what? I was thinking something more along the lines of a good message on prayer or a challenge to have a more positive attitude or something relatively "easy." Not that "anything" I am legit afraid of losing!! Talk about off to a great start...I had that lump in my throat, that feeling of "oh my! He's going to go there today."

Yep. He went there.

Anyway, during the main session of the conference the keynote speaker was sharing  a story about her young son. She said every once in a while he crawls up into her lap and loves on her and then...before not to long he is reaching for the iphone in her back pocket. She was comparing what her son does to what we often do with our Heavenly Father. He longs to give us just His love, knowing this is really all that we need, all while we are constantly reaching for the iphone in His back pocket. The "iphone" being that "anything" we desire above His love.

This analogy has been running through my mind since she shared it with us on Saturday. The more I think on it the more I am aware of my lack of surrender, my pride, and what motivates me in my walk with Jesus. I began thinking about how I am so much like her young son - how I love on God simply to get what I want from Him. I want security, protection, blessing - so I devote my life to Him and expect that He give me those things in return. Then when He doesn't do what I think He ought to do I find myself grumbling, thinking that I have done the right things so why isn't HE doing HIS part. For real, how ugly is that? Writing it out is actually rather embarrassing. I've typed and deleted that thought about 5 times now. It's the truth, though, so it has to be said.

Let's be real, what of those of us who honest to goodness LOVE Jesus only to have horrible things happen in our lives? To have good things seemingly ripped from our hands. Blessings stollen away, security shattered, and protection entirely thwarted. All while we have done nothing but love Jesus and give our lives to Him!? Why would a loving God allow horrible things to come upon His children?

Honestly, it kind of blows my mind....but God does work this way. I so easily forget that His ways are so far above my own - I can't possibly comprehend them. We live in a world that has been poisoned by sin. Which means, bad things happen. Trials come. Hearts break. Do I love and trust Him enough to accept even these things as allowed by Him?

Let me tell you, it is darn easy to stand at a women's conference with arms stretched wide before the Lord and declare (while the music plays of course) my own surrender, my desire to be completely His. I'm actually feeling rather comfortable there in my H&M shirt and my scarf, hair and makeup just so. I don't feel sick, or tired, worn out or lonely. It isn't like this isn't a sincere moment - but when the rubber meets the road, when life comes crashing down around you, it's a whole different ball game. I'm watching some people pretty close to me suffer in a rather significant way and I'm pretty positive that when they surrendered their lives to Jesus they didn't have these "rewards" in mind.

Truth is sometimes I find myself loving Jesus for what He could give me. I desire to be a woman of integrity so that He will allow me to marry a man of the same character. Jesus, I want to be sold out for You, but can I keep my H&M clothes and my scarf? Oh and don't ask me to be single or to stay at that job or move to that place, etc....Jesus, I love You. Don't You think it's time You started to give me those good things I've been waiting for? What good is it if my motivation for becoming a godly woman is only for what I can gain?? It is pointless....completely empty.

God wants to lavish us with His love and His love alone. He doesn't want us reaching for the iphone in His back pocket. He desires our devotion to Him to be motivated entirely out of love for Him. Period.

Sometimes I feel like God is keeping my "anything" in His back pocket to torture me. As if to say, if you love Me enough and do the right things enough times then maybe I will let you have this "anything" I am keeping here in My back pocket - maybe.

That's just ridiculous...typing it out for you to read makes me feel rather foolish. It isn't like I don't know this isn't in any way how God works. He doesn't dangle good things over our heads like a carrot. In fact, that is one thing that makes God so incredible - He lets us make our own choices! He WANTS us to make our own choice. It's called free will. He doesn't want us to choose Him because He talked us into it or forced us to.

I'm reminded of the song Oh How I Love Jesus. Do you know it? Oh how I love Jesus, Oh how I love Jesus, Oh how I love Jesus because He first loved me. It doesn't say because He's going to give me everything I want and make my life a happily-ever-after-fairy-tale. Nope. Just because He loved first.

I want my motives to be pure, but so often I feel like they are muddled up by my pride and my desire for certain things in life. When I tell Jesus He can have EVERYTHING I want to mean EVERYTHING. I want it to come from a place of pure and total surrender. I want to love because He loved first. I want to surrender because He is God Almighty, completely trustworthy and capable of handling all my hopes and dreams - however big or small. I want my life to be HIS - not for what He could give me but because of WHO He is. Period.

Take Heart

Never underestimate God's ability to use your own hurt to comfort another. Embrace the opportunities He gives you to love and comfort those who are hurting. Be fearless in your willingness to feel your own pain in order to comfort those around you. Be bold in admitting what things are difficult for you - your courage may inspire another person to do the same. Believe on those nights you cry yourself to sleep, you feel too weak to carrying on, and you can't find purpose in your circumstances that HE IS "preparing for [you] and eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison." Hold fast and when you can no longer hold on - He will hold fast for you. Allow yourself to be real and accept when things are too much for you. It is at that moment - when you have finally surrendered - that the Almighty will rush in and be all that you need. Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself, and Jesus has provided you with all that you need today. Remember that all pain, however great or small, is pain all the same. Don't allow guilt to creep in and make you feel you are weak because "it could be worse" or "you should be over it." Jesus never classified pain nor gave a timeline for it. Pain is pain, don't apologize for hurting. Take heart, there is purpose even in this dark place, for it is all a part of His grand story and the story ends with Him in eternity. Until that time, never underestimate God's ability to use your own hurt. He works all things for His glory - give Him the glory even in this!

Checking in...

Something I love about being in a relationship is the constant text messaging. I'm not certain he enjoyed the constant text messages, but I certainly did! You know, the good morning text and the good night text and all the messages in between that, for the most part, served no other purpose than to let the other know you were thinking about them? It is an essential part of any real relationship in 2013, right up there with making things "facebook official" (oh my!). It's just plain old nice to have someone to share in those meaningless moments of life like: "I'm wearing my new earrings" or the frustrating situations like: "This payroll may be the end of me" or sweat nothings like: "I miss your face." Thanks to technology we can even text pictures of our lunch with the caption "yummy, peanut butter!" None of these messages seem all that important, but at the moment it feels like heaven to have someone who cares enough to not only receive, but delight in responding to those meaningless text messages. There are very few people whom I text randomly through out the entire day, every day, every week! I just don't have the time for that, unless of course you are tall, dark and handsome. In which case, text away and please include a picture text message of your handsome face!

Now don't mock me for turning this into something spiritual, but it was on my mind this morning so I thought I'd share....

How often do you check in with God each day? I'm not talking about sending Him meaningless text messages. I'm talking about inviting Him in to every moment of your day. I think there is something to be said about communicating with Him through out the day - not just to tell Him what you need or what You want. Connecting with Him to tell Him you love Him and share with Him your feelings about little details in your day. You might be surprised the way He listens and how well He responds.

There was a time in my life when my only communication with my Heavenly Father was to ask Him for something. Sometimes I was lucky if I even got around to talking to Him in a day. How pathetic is that? No wonder my life was so full of fear! My Father has been diligently working to transform my heart (it's God-sized job) and one area of my life that shows significant evidence of this is the area of communication with Him. Our conversations have changed. Changed because I have changed. God is no longer my good luck charm to get me through rough days. He is my Companion, my Helper...He is the One who delights in receiving and responding to me every moment of every day.

I first noticed it when I would wake up in the night and I would be praying. I'm not even sure how to describe it to you, but it isn't uncommon for me to whisper to Jesus in the middle of the night. Before you start thinking I'm off my rocker...I'm not alone in this - King David talks about the same experiences...you may call me crazy - but I'll take the company of King David on this one.

"At midnight I rise to praise you, because of your righteous rules." 

Psalm 119:62

"My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night." 

Psalm 63:5&6

"By day the Lord commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life." 

Psalm 42:8

Sometimes I feel like I never stop talking with Him! I wake up and my thoughts are on Him, I drive to work and we are chatting away with one another, and at various times throughout my day my thoughts are turned toward Him. We laugh over my ridiculousness and over those "did that really just happen to me?" moments. He reminds me of His love for me and all the promises He keeps for me. I'm either schizophrenic or this is what it looks like to be in a real relationship with the God of the universe! I suppose to the outside world it may all sound a little crazy....I don't care.

Which brings me to something else incredible - we have direct access to GOD ALMIGHTY! Just take a moment to let that sink in. I am the princess of the Most High God and I can come running into His throne room at any moment of any day and He will hear me. He knows all I'm about to tell Him, but He delights to be a part of all those little moments in my day. I mean, in light of eternity, does it really matter that I have my new earrings on? Of course not, but He delights to hear me thank Him for something as simple as earrings.

One day Mr. Prince Charming will be blowing up my phone with random text messages (and I will love every minute of it!), but until that time Jesus has taught me to be content with life just as it is. Perhaps allowing the text messages to stop for a bit was His way of reminding me He wants my full attention and enjoys it when I check in with Him randomly throughout my day.

My [ugly] Heart

Ever have a day when your heart is plain old ugly? No one knows by looking at you, but on the inside you're one crabby, complaining, hot mess?

Often times behind the exterior of this fashionable, well dressed, not so ugly woman is a rather ugly heart. I know, shocking, isn't it?

It's true and it really annoys me. Especially those days that begin so well. I've managed to actually HEAR my alarm and get out of bed at a decent time. I've had my coffee and spent time in prayer. I've finally did my laundry so I have a cute outfit to wear. I've rocked out with Hillsong on the drive to work and I step out of my car with the good intentions of being nothing less than the beautiful woman HE created me to be. And within minutes I'm sitting at my desk and the smallest little something has turned my heart to complaining, frustration, and dare I say...anger!

I should add that somewhere between the coffee and the prayer I inadvertently put on a big old sign that says, "Hey Satan, come get me!" I feel like I shouldn't be surprised when the days that start off well are the hardest to finish well. Every time I'm shocked when living in the power of the Holy Spirit proves to require more discipline than I originally thought. You'd think I'd get it by now...

I can't tell you how many times a week I put my makeup on and pray at the same time the Lord would make me beautiful within - not just on the outside. Sounds super spiritual of me, doesn't it? Don't be fooled. The asking is the easy part, the challenge is the changing - actually being a woman who is beautiful on the inside isn't as easy as applying some foundation and eyeshadow! Every time I'm shocked when He takes me up on my request to change me. He never forces Himself in, but waits for me to surrender and then HE shines HIS light into those dark corners of my heart and I inevitably see something ugly. Where did that come from?

All this brings to mind Romans 3:10 which says "None is righteous, no, not one." I think it is often so easy for me to think I've got my stuff together and then - these days come and this verse seems truer of me than any other verse in the bible.

It's so easy to hang my head in frustration and shame. Do you ever do this? Oh friend, how He loves us - even when our hearts are ugly! This may be my favorite thing about my Heavenly Father - how He loves me. How He never condemns me or points a finger at me to say "Huh, so all that stuff this morning about being a beautiful woman on this inside meant nothing?!?" He loves me just the same. His Spirit convicts me of my heart of sin, I am forgiven, and we move on.

I'm reminded of these verses...

"For our sake He (God) made Him (Jesus) to be sin who knew no sin, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Corinthians 5:21

"Therefore, as one trespass led to condemnation for all men, so ONE ACT OF RIGHTEOUSNESS leads to justification and life for all men. For as by the one man's disobedience the many were made sinners, so by the ONE MAN'S OBEDIENCE the many will be made righteous. Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 5:18-21

(Um, Amen doesn't seem enough for all the truth packed in those verses!)

We are REDEEMED individuals living in a broken, messed up world in sinful, human bodies. And it's a battle we fight daily against the flesh and against this world. When I say battle I mean an all out WAR because some days it takes a fight to overcome this ugly heart of mine. It takes will power to step out of this ugliness and even that isn't enough. In my own strength I am worthless. Jesus knew what He was doing when He gave us the gift of the Holy Spirit - God IN us. This gift given for those days that start off so well and then the battle rages and we can't overcome on our own. In those moments we are given a choice - to walk in the power of our Helper, the Holy Spirit, and live in the victory that is already ours through Christ!

Oh, for the strength to not give up or give in! May Jesus scrub those ugly corners of my heart with His REDEEMING blood. What I find there may indeed be ugly, and the "scrubbing" away may seem like a never ending and often painful process. But He died to give me (and you) this victory - He desires to claim every hidden corner of my heart! He longs to make me beautiful on the inside. There is none righteous - except for Christ. Whose righteousness was sufficient to make us righteous in spite of our plain old ugly hearts!!

50 Reasons Tuesdays are the best...

• Reasons 1-7

• Fruit Roll Ups for snack! Forget stale animal crackers, we know how to get snack DONE!
• The way Sara likes to pretend to be a cat - she's crazy good at this and manages to stay in character for most of the night.
• "Miss Tiffany, here is a snack for you" (child presents a plate full of plastic food)
• Isaiah in his Packer hat
• Me to student: "What did you name your new dog?"
  Student to me: "Tiffany...hahahahaha"
  Me to student: "Oh really?"
  Student to me: "No, I'm just fooling you!"
• Averi (who only speaks to say "I have to go to the bathroom") volunteers to pray: "Jesus, thank you for my mom and my dad and this snack. Amen." melts.my.heart!
• "Can I sit by you?"
• "Teacher Tiffany, I think I love you!"
• After the WHOLE class declares Jesus is their favorite super hero, Isaiah answers nervously: "Super Man is my favorite super hero!" Thanks for being honest, Isaiah, I think Jesus understands!
• "Miss Tiffany, please stop singing!"
• Ryan's face when I say something RIDICULOUS! Now I just make stuff up to see his eyes open wide!
• Teacher Krista
• "Hold my hand?"
• "Careful Teacher Tiffany, that spot right there is hot lava!"
• All those smiling faces when I stand up to teach
• Follow the leader lion style
• Worshiping Jesus with a bunch of 4 and 5 year olds!
• Overheard after a lesson on trusting God when we are afraid: "Teacher, I'm afraid of the dark...but not anymore because I trust God!" be.still.my.heart!
• The INTERLUDE
• The way Ryan sits "criss-cross-applesauce" with his hands folded in his lap. You have to be there to see - the level of cuteness is OFF THE CHARTS!
• "Can I have some more water? More water, please. Water?" You'd think these kids spent the night in the desert!
• That moment when you realize the stickers are on wrong on the Evangecube and it isn't because you were home schooled you can't figure out how the heck the thing works. Can we bring the wordless book back, please?!?
• When one kids legitimately asks for prayer because his dad is sick and suddenly all the kids have sick dads.
• Jesus, You're my super hero....
• That moment when you realize you probably shouldn't have allowed both of them to sit on your lap...legs breaking...
• Noah's laugh
• "Teacher Tiffany, my tummy feels funny" Exterior remains calm and collected....inside I'm terrified he'll actually throw up!
• Occasionally celebrities like Woody come to Clubhouse...

• That feeling when a kid is sitting in your lap and it suddenly feels warm...and then you realize you are just being overly paranoid and it's only warm in the room...
• Sophie points to Ryan - "He's not my brother" (he's her cousin but it's hilarious how upset she gets when people think he's her brother!)
• Parent whispers to child: "Tell Miss Tiffany Happy Valentine's Day" Child turns and exclaims: "HAPPY NEW YEAR MISS TIFFANY!!" I'm.in.love.
• Pajama Night!
• "No dad, go get other kids. I want to stay"
• Conversations with Claire (5 going on 18!)
• Teaching a lesson on Luke 17:11-19 and realizing I needed to hear it more than they did.
• The look in Sammy's eyes when I tell him he's makes me happy.
• Those kids are so much shorter than you, so they tap your leg not your shoulder to get your attention..."Teacher, Teacher..." pat, pat...only in preschool.
• How excited those kids get over crazy things like...BALLOONS!
• Sticky fingers and messy faces after ICE CREAM!
• "I just earned 29 15 45 100 points!" Dude! That's a big number!
• Asking 3 kids to help pull you off the floor after sitting for a lesson. What they don't know is you REALLY can't get up off the floor.
• "Teacher, How old ARE you?"
• Completely exhausted, tired of driving in snow storms, and wondering why I'm not at home in my pajamas...then this guy shows up...Spiderman, you're my hero!