WHAT!?!

WHAT!?!?!

It is, apparently, something I have been exclaiming on a rather regular basis this week. My coworkers pointed it out to me first and then I began to notice it coming out of my mouth at a rather alarming rate.

It describes perfectly my current feelings toward my life. It isn't a defiant, rebellious "WHAT!?!?" It is more like a cry of "UNCLE!" or "TIMEOUT!" or "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?"

Excuse my humanness for a moment - I'm not actually a perfectly sweet Christian girl. I do have moments when I throw my hands up in the air and exclaim "ARE YOU KIDDING ME, LORD!?!" I'm not mad at Him, I just don't understand what He is doing.

I REALLY don't understand what He is doing.

Over and over He brings me to this place of utter and total brokenness. I'm nothing more than a crumbled, broken, bruised and beaten mess and He is sweetly reaching out to me...

"Trust Me," He says.

I do trust You, but honestly I need a few minutes to react to this current shattering of my dreams. Why am I here? Did I make a mistake or have You simply brought me here to teach me something I would never learn otherwise?

I don't know if you have felt this way or if you know the secret to overcoming these feelings of frustrated brokenness, but I'm feeling them. I'm feeling them often this year.

The Enemy whispers in my ear lies and half truths, he wants me to give up. Let go, give in, do your own thing, find a way to make yourself happy. I'm not sure what your response would be to this, but I've about had it. Honestly, Satan, you can get lost.

I have come to this dark place because I took Jesus' hand and He led me here, and newsflash, He's still got me. I can still feel HIS hand over mine. It may be dark and I may not be able to imagine how this pain ends or how I move on, but HE IS HERE.

I'm so determined not to lose sight of this reality - that HE IS STILL WITH ME, I'm almost angry. I feel all fired up. I want to slap Satan in the face and rebuke him for thinking he could get me while I'm down. No doubt, he knows exactly what pain to capitalize on. What he doesn't get is that no matter how much it may hurt or how difficult it may actually seem, I'm not giving in this time. Not so much because of me, but because the Lord has this grip on me and He isn't letting go.

I woke up in a panic last night, I'm not even sure what my deal was. I had to cry out "Oh God hold fast, because I am too weak to hold on to You on my own." I literally said that out loud. Does this make me weird? I hope not. It is so precious, so sweet to me that even in the night I am compelled to call out to Him.

Confession: This was not always our relationship.

Believe it or not (and you should believe it) I often chose temporary happiness and comfort over the eternal comfort of my Jesus. So, for me this is sweet change. Real evidence that I am becoming less and He is becoming more.

Hint: This is why He brought me here.

Really, it isn't intentional mean torture. He allows the pain for a reason and then He uses that pain to rid us of ourselves and make Himself MORE to us. I believe He does this so that in the end His Glory blows us away.

I believe this and I remind myself of it over and over again. Not only that, I remember that my own happiness isn't the goal. The goal is that HE is glorified in me and if HE is most glorified when I am a crumbled, broken, bruised, and beaten mess then so be it.

As much as I would love to get out of this place, to forget this pain, to move on, I desire HIS glory more. Deep, deep down I want that above all else. So even when I have my moments of "WHAT!?!?" with the Lord when it is all said and done my heart says "Have Your way with me..."

Show Me How to Die...

I came across this song last night and was overwhelmed by the message in it. I find myself again at a point in life where I feel worn out and weary. I have hopes and dreams and I have watched all of them fade away. I feel beaten down and worn out. I have cried out to the Lord begging for His Glory to shine through me - that in this time of brokenness His love, His grace, His mercy would shine through me to others. I want my agony to have a purpose, to reach others, so that I don't feel I've suffered in vain...

"You could raise me like a banner in a battle, 
Put victory like a fire behind my shining eyes...
But for now just let me lie"

This song reminded me that often, crumbled at His feet is exactly where my Jesus wants me. He wants me to first die to myself - to let go of my own hopes and dreams, to allow Him to live through me.

"Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die
Oh, not before You show me how to die."

Tonight this is my own prayer. He could raise me like a banner in a battle, He could plant me like a tree beside a river, set me like a star before the morning....but not before He shows me how to die.

So before I ask for my wounds to be healed, for my happiness to be restored, I ask that He first show me how to die (which He has done). These dreams I have, these hopes I so often cling to are nothing compared to knowing Him, to experiencing His love, grace and mercy in new ways. He has brought me to this place for a purpose - so that I might learn how to die. He has only allowed me to reach this point so that He might show me His great love for me.

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." Galatians 2:20

Good Things

Tonight I am in a quiet and painful place, as I find myself at the feet of Jesus completely broken. I'm not here because I made a poor decision or mistake. I am here because the Lord decided for this moment, for this time, crumbled at His feet is exactly where He wants me to be.

I am watching my own hopes and dreams, goals, and ambitions one by one taken from me. Not in a mean, malicious way but in a loving, "this is what is best for you" way. Like when a parent purposefully doesn't allow their child to do something they so desperately want to do, able to see what is truly best for their child even when their child doesn't recognize it.

I am that child. 

I have been told so many times "God wants only good things for you." The assumption is that He intends only good for our lives. Happy moments are from God and those sad moments must be Satan attacking. What if those sad moments were ordained by God? What if He allowed or even welcomed difficult times for His children? Would you be willing to accept even those difficult times as from a loving, Heavenly Father?

This place would be unbearable if this was not the case. If I did not believe that God is Sovereign, that all things that happen in my life pass through His hands, that He is constantly at work in my life - even in those difficult to understand situations. 

He has allowed it. He wants me crumbled in a ball at His feet. This sweet place of surrender is where He intended me to be. Oh the hurt is deep and so difficult to understand, but this place is so sweet. As I rest at His feet I recognize that His love is by far the greatest. Would I have been able to recognize this had He not allowed this hurt? 

Yes, I believe God has good things in store for me, but not at the expense of knowing Him in a deeper way. He must first refine me. 

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."  1 Peter 5:10

It is for His Name that He refines me with affliction. He is most glorified when I am broken. Though He does not leave me in this place, but promises to restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish me. 

This is a promise.

I will hold Him to it, but I know already He is keeping it. 

Yes, I wish being a Christian meant only happy wonderful things in life. This just isn't reality. However, I refuse to think any less of my Heavenly Father because of the sad times in life. In fact, I see Him even better through my tears. His love is overwhelming. He has not left me alone to hurt or suffer. He has provided me a Helper, the Holy Spirit, who intercedes on my behalf. In those moments when the pain may be too deep for words. When I feel confused or uncertain, He overwhelms me and meets my every need. 

This is the place He has allowed me to walk to...so here I will sit. I will not deny my own feelings or hurt or confusion, but I will also not deny that He is who He has promised. His love never fails. He brought me here and He will carry me every step of the way. 

There is good even in this hard place.