Soap Box

I'm climbing on my soap box. Brace yourselves, this post has been brewing in my mind for some time, it's 3:30 in the morning and I can't sleep - anything could happen.... 

You know that verse in Proverbs that starts out "A godly wife who can find?" Well that verse has been on my brain a lot - only I change it to say "A godly man who can find?" because to be honest, a true man of God seems hard to find. Now when I say "hard to find" I mean completely impossible. Alright...alright, slight exaggeration there, but I'm beginning to think this brand of Christian has been sold out. I can't tell you how many times I've looked friends in the eyes and told them how it is honest to goodness impossible to find a man who is in fact sold out for the Lord. 

Now this might seem shocking to many of you, because there are so many nice young men around. They show up in church in their button up shirts and designer jeans, bibles in hand ready to worship. But let's be real, it is about way more than button up shirts and bibles. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want my man to come to church and look nice. I want him to actually listen to the sermon and pull a bible out to read when we are instructed to. I'd like him to do more than stand, hands in pockets, during worship. However, I'd really like a man who cracks open that bible on a - wait for it- daily basis. Is it too much to ask for a man who might actually utter a prayer in the middle of the week that involves more words than Thank you, Lord for this meal???

Sometimes I get the impression I may be asking too much, perhaps I've set the bar too high? 

Seems to me most single men are more concerned with building their muscles than they are building their relationships with Jesus. I mean, I've encountered some rather good looking men who have all the time in the world to go to the gym and lift weights, but can't seem to find the time to read their bible, pray, or cultivate God honoring relationships with other godly men. Don't get me wrong, I like a guy with muscles as much as the next girl, but I'd take Chandler Bing over Channing Tatum if the words he spoke were coming from a heart filled with the Holy Spirit. 

Now I'm not sure if you have heard, but I'm 30 and the guys who are asking me out are, well...they aren't 18. And some of them, not all of them (so if you are reading this and you have asked me out, don't freak out), are asking themselves and now me, why they are still single. This is actually not a cool question to ask the woman you've decided to take for coffee, but since you asked...stop asking that! Goodness! First of all, there are about five million reasons why you might be single, and if it is really bothering you why don't you stop playing the desperate card and start doing the work of making yourself ready for marriage. I'm finding it to be an incredibly difficult process. When done properly, the Lord gets all up in your business and starts messing with things you'd rather He not mess with. I discovered that just because I show up at church in my high heels and scarves with my bible ready to worship doesn't actually have a single thing to do with the state of my heart before the Lord. Turns out, there is this messy business of dealing with past sin and past hurt, letting go of selfishness and pride, learning how to make Jesus a part of my every day life, and giving up my own wants, needs, desires, hopes, and dreams so that HE can have HIS own way with me. This is messy business indeed. I'm not saying I have it all figured out, I'm just saying  you might want to consider making this a focus.

You may be asking, since I am apparently now talking to my single male readers...which I'm not really sure are a part of my blog traffic..."I'm working on my relationship with Jesus, but why can't I find a nice girl to date me?" Might I suggest you stop saying things like that too? If you really need a project to focus on, let me suggest putting your focus on growing up. I'm talking about doing things like getting a job, getting out of debt, throwing away the clothes you wore in high school, cleaning out your car, learning to do your own laundry, learning to cook, cleaning your bathroom, taking down your Matrix posters and putting up grown up wall decor. Don't panic. She is out there, but most of the solid christian women I know would really rather go out with a guy who is willing and able to pay for her meal without complaining about it. 

Now, finally, since it is after 4am and I'm thinking I should be able to get an hour of sleep tonight, can we all just agree not to worry about all of this? I'm discovering that at every failed relationship or at the end of every bad date is often this feeling of discouragement and fear that it is never going to work out. Looking back, I can honestly say that I am grateful to the Lord that all of my past relationships and past attempts at relationships didn't work out. Every experience has been used by God to do that messy work I was talking about earlier - to refine me and make me more like the woman He wants me to be. If I really believe that God is sovereign, that He is in fact in control, then I need to recognize that it is only because my sight is limited that I feel there are no longer any truly Godly single men left in this world. God's got it. In fact, He has known from before the start of time who I would marry. He's just busy doing the messy work in my heart and his before He brings us together. I pray every day for that man, whoever he is, that God refine and shape him into just the right man for me.

I'm not going to pretend I'm perfect, but I do think I deserve a man who's heart is sold out for Jesus, and I refuse to settle for anything less.

Summer

Summer makes me happy. I don't know if it's the endless winters here in Wisconsin or because my birthday always seems to mark the unofficial start - it just makes me happy. The sun feels warm on my skin while I'm driving in the car. I can finally leave the house without a coat on. I get to wear flip flops. My plans are made around the next visit to the pool or evening jog. I eat watermelon and hamburgers like they are going out of style. Hair in a messy ponytail, sun burned cheeks and shoulders, sunglasses, iced tea, sunsets and summer nights. It feels a little bit like heaven and these last couple days have been almost more heaven than I ever thought possible. 

Just a few days ago I celebrated my 30th birthday and I have found myself in the process of celebrating with one friend or another over the course of the past 7 days. And what I expected would be the most difficult birthday of my entire existence has turned out to be one of the most amazing birthdays of my life. 

That is saying a lot, because one year I got a real baby stroller for my birthday - that day was pretty fantastic. And the authentic baby accessories didn't stop there. I was even given real baby diapers and bottles for my doll. And as I pushed my precious baby, Matthew, in his new stroller, I was pretty sure then my life had reached an all time high and it was only going to be down hill from there. That was last year...kidding, kidding...I was probably 7.

Then came along my 16th birthday and while visiting my grandparents in Florida we made a stop to see the ocean. My tan little Midwestern toes had never felt the salty sea water before and I tried to play it cool, but as I watched the waves crash and felt the cold water my heart filled with emotion and I was perfectly happy. Even when the dark gray clouds came in and poured down rain, I couldn't have dreamed up a better moment than that one. 

But this year, on my 30th birthday, I did all my favorite things. I slept in until 10 in the morning and I had breakfast in my pajamas. I sat on my patio and took my time reading my bible and scribbling in my journal. I listened to my favorite music and went to the pool. I sat in the sun for hours and have peeling skin on my shoulders to prove it. I was brought pasta, Diet Dr. Pepper, and got to spend time with one of the most amazing little girls on this planet. And then in the days the followed I spent time with the people I love most in all of the world. And we have laughed and eaten and opened presents.  I watched What About Bob with my family and we quoted our favorite lines. I scored awesome parking spots and sweet clearance buys with my best friend. And we walked and shopped and talked and remembered all the years we've had together and with out actually saying, declared that regardless of how difficult life may became we will always be in each other's corner. I laughed with girlfriends over massive servings of fried chicken and actually felt thankful I was single so I could have so many nights out in a row. I searched for my desk in a sea of pink presents from my coworkers and plan to share the massive amounts of candy with anyone who comes in my office for the next 6 months, but the case of Diet Dr. Pepper is all mine.  I had long phone calls with far away friends, emails from old friends, and stayed up late playing on my new iPhone. I have done all of this and more and every night for the past 7 days I have gone to bed too happy to sleep. 

And then today as the birthday blessings continue to pour in, I ate pasta with another best friend and told her how wonderful 30 was turning out to be. And between sips of lemonade and bites of chicken I told her how Jesus had so graciously reminded me of how He redeemed me and loved me with a love that never fails. How He has used so many people to remind me of His great love for me.  How I felt joy. Not because I had sunburn on my cheeks or an iPhone, not because of a person or a circumstance but because Jesus loves me. I felt happy. He has, in His great grace, given me so much to find happy in my life. 

So tonight, as I watch the pinks and purples of a beautiful sunset from my little patio, I am more than happy. I am full of joy - a joy that could only come from the Lord. He has been good. For 30 years He has lavished me with grace and love I could never deserve. He has loved me like none other. And on top of all that - He has given me summertime - full of warm days and pool time, family and friends, sunburn and tan lines, flip flops and sunglasses....

These days have felt like more heaven than I could have dreamed of and I want to enjoy every moment of it!