Wilderness

I know you are all dying to know if I watched the Bachelor last night....I did not. Instead I decided to waste my time in a completely different way - balancing my checkbook and paying bills. Yep, I'm one of those. My mom taught me to be fiscally responsible. 

If I was depressed last Monday, I took things to a whole new level this Monday. I hate bills.

I'm kidding...well only on the depressed part.

On to more serious things...

A common theme in my recent visits with the Lord has been the wilderness. It has come up in a variety of ways - in the books I am reading, the passages of Scripture I find myself in, and even in the sermons I'm listening to. This concept of being refined while I am in the desert or wilderness has been on my heart for several weeks now. Fact is, God puts us in these places. Think of David...he ran from Saul and we got Psalms. I wonder if he realized his desert would give us something as beautiful as the Psalms? Our loving Heavenly Father even put Jesus in the wilderness for 40 days and 40 nights. There is a theme through out the Bible, I dare you to check it out. 

I believe God does this intentionally, purposefully fashioning each our deserts to fit our needs, to mend our wandering hearts and reveal to us His perfect self. In the desert, in our wilderness we meet God. Face to face. Heart to heart. And it is here that He breaks us of self and sanctifies us!

So many times I have prayed, begging God to make me into the woman HE desires me to be and then when I find myself in a desert, in the wilderness, I sit and complain. "Where are you God and why in the world have YOU put me here!?"

In the same breath I'll cry out for the Lord to give me His eyes, to help me to understand His will. All while I am failing to see the connection between this time in the wilderness and the revelation of His will. I want Him to refine me, but I don't want to feel the pain of that refining process.

His will is actually for me, for us, to spend time in this wilderness. It is in this place that I see Him so clearly. I feel His presence so strongly. Here He teaches me, so perfectly, to love Him above all else. He shows me what it is to desire Him above my own comfort. I learn to pray, to understand Him, and experience a true, deep relationship with Him. Suddenly, I am experiencing what it is like to pray continually and I recognize that there really is no one else for me. 

All of this in a place of testing, of trial, and often pain.

For whatever reason, Romans 12:2 comes to mind: "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

Over and over those words have run through my mind...

Do not be conformed...
Be transformed...
By the renewal of your mind...
That by testing...
The will of God...

Over and over I have whispered them as I sit here in this wilderness. 

That by testing you may discern what is the will of God...

Is this really where He reveals His will to me, is THIS really where I see His face, know His heart? Here in this desert place? Here where even the simplest of things are a struggle? Here where I cry out over and over only to hear silence? This place, this testing is where He plans to reveal what is good and acceptable and perfect?

yes. here.

"O God, You are my God; earnestly I seek You; my soul thirst for You; my flesh faints for You; as in a dry and weary land where there is no water...Because Your steadfast love is better than life my lips will praise You. So I will bless You as long as I live; in Your name I will lift up my hands...for You have been my help and in the shadow of Your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me." Psalm 63:1, 3-4, 7-8

Confessing...The Bachelor

"Confession is good for the soul" or so they say and I need to confess to you that I spent part of my evening last night watching The Bachelor!

*hangs head in shame*

I confessed this very fact to my coworkers this morning and it was suggested I write a blog post about it. To which I responded, "Heck no, then EVERYONE will know I watched The Bachelor...even my MOM!!" (Sorry Mom, it's true....I watched crap on TV last night, I know you taught me to do better.) The guilt has become too much, I can't sleep, I have to unburden myself. It's true, I watched it and as I watched I felt my brain cells slowly dying inside of my thick skull.

I knew I was in trouble when I saw the previews at the beginning of the show of that one girl, you know the one, falling down the stairs (don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about....I know you watched last night!) Of course I needed to know what happened to her, the paramedics came for crying outside!!

So I planted myself on my couch with my chicken teryaki (yes, I cooked last night...the evening wasn't a total disaster!) and my laptop (for those moments when the show gets too awkward to watch and I need to mute and stalk friends on facebook...that's a whole other confession...and blog post.)

I watched what's his name, Sean, on his one on one date with that blond girl to the Guinness World Records place. I was busy on my laptop the entire Guinness Record breaking kiss, by the way. Which, might I add, may have made the record for most awkward 3 minutes - ever. LAME! I felt myself becoming annoyed and I should have just turned the TV off at that point, but I made it through to their time on the roof. My blood started to boil when they stood under that sign kissing and the freaking confetti started falling. I mean, COME ON PEOPLE, are you for real!?! Who comes up with this stuff?!?

I couldn't take it, I marched myself in to the kitchen and started the dishes. Of course the TV remained on because I needed to see what happened with that one chick and the paramedics!

As I stood in the kitchen cleaning up I could feel the insecurity begin to flood in. This is why I don't (usually) allow myself to watch The Bachelor and this is where the real confessing begins. I ALWAYS begin to compare myself to the girls on that show. WHY!?! I'm not pretty enough, thin enough, tan enough, funny enough...blah, blah, blah....my clothes aren't cool enough, my shoes are old and crummy, my hair isn't long enough...and I haven't been on a date in, well, a while.

Truth is I'm average. I know I'm not ugly, but I know I'm not a super model. I spend most of my evenings in my pajamas wearing the same TIU sweatshirt day after day. I buy most of my clothes at Target and it has been a while since I've had a new pair of shoes. I don't know the foggiest thing about makeup and no matter how hard I try to change it, my hair will always look just like this!

As I washed the few dishes I used for dinner I was reminded that I only made dinner for one, there isn't a boyfriend or even a date in my near future. So even if I wanted to buy fancy shoes and put gobs of makeup on my face what would be the point?

I hate to even admit to you what happened next...I cried. I stood in my kitchen in my big TIU sweatshirt and my stretched out yoga pants, hair in a messy ponytail and cried. The girls on The Bachelor are crying all the time, but this crying had little to do with who does or doesn't want to date me. I cried because I have grown so weary of this battle in my mind, this war I wage daily with the enemy over how good I am or am not.

I could hear him in his evil voice whispering in my ear, "Tiffany, don't you wish you were pretty like them? Don't you wish you had a boyfriend like that? Maybe if you were like them you would?"

I wish I had walked away then. Turned the TV off. Done something of value. But I really wanted to know what happened with that one girl who fell down the stairs. So I took my now crying self back to the couch and curled up under a blanket to see what happened. In reality I was sitting down on the battlefield and telling Satan to have at it...defenses down...I walked right into his little trap for me and then decided to hang out for a while.

Side note on the stair incident....Really, who waits till after they are in the neck brace and on the stretcher to decide they do NOT need to go to the hospital??!! And I wonder what all those paramedics were thinking when they pulled up to the mansion and realized they were going to be on The Bachelor??!!

Alright, so I caught enough to see the stair incident and then came back for, you guessed it, the Rose Ceremony. I actually wish all breakups could be like the rose ceremony. Those left standing without a rose just leave. No long conversation about it, just good luck and bye. I hate those horribly awkward moments when a guy tries to explain to you why he doesn't like hanging out with you (or even worse being the one trying to explain why you don't want to hang out with him). This always seems to be the moment when a guy decides to lay on the compliments..."You are amazing, I've never met anyone as beautiful as you are, I may hate myself later for this...but..." Don't they know that the complements are canceled out as soon as they say "but.." Someone really should tell them this.

The Christian version of not giving a girl a rose is: "I've prayed about it and I just don't have peace about continuing our relationship." Who can argue with that?!?! Dude, I've prayed about it too and God told me I'm going to marry you! You can't exactly say that - ever - to a guy. That's like Christian relationship suicide.

Oh my, I feel like there is a whole blog post in this Rose Ceremony topic alone...this is already long enough...sorry...I'll try to get back to the confessing.

During the Rose Ceremony last night I started to cry when that one girl, who is 30, started to cry when she didn’t get a rose. I don’t think she was really crying because of Sean, I think she was crying because of the fact she never thought she’d be in this particular situation at 30 – and that’s what made me cry. I don’t think there is a single little girl in this world who says, “I hope I have to wait till I’m in my 30’s to fall in love.” I know I’ve been dreaming of falling in love since I was 10!

Satan was sneaking in that dark corner of my mind. He saw me, sitting there, defenseless in my TIU sweatshirt under my pink blanket on the couch, alone in my living room. God wasn’t kidding when He warned us in 1 Peter, “Be sober-minded, be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” I was being neither sober nor watchful. I already told you I was sitting down on the battlefield. I know just as well as Satan knows that this is an area where he loves to attack, to speak lies to me, and bring me down.

I fell for it. Not only did I forget that Satan loves to discourage me about my relationship status, I also forgot that I am called to be sober-minded and watchful when it comes to defending against these kinds of attacks. I know what happens to my brain when I watch The Bachelor and I know what Satan wants to do to me while I watch.

My confession to you isn't so much that I watched The Bachelor, but that I sat down in the middle of this battle we fight daily with Satan. The war is won in Christ, but the battle must be fought moment by moment, day by day. Satan wanders around like a lion, seeking to destroy. He will stop at nothing to prevent us from living our lives complete in the victory we have in Christ. He wants nothing more than to convince us to settle for second best, lukewarm, and defeated.

I gave up, mid-battle, sword down, shield abandoned. I may as well have drawn a target on my back and yell, "Hey Satan, come get me!"

I'll admit that last night I went to bed defeated, convinced I wasn't pretty enough, funny enough, rich enough, educated enough, or even young enough to find love. I knew as I took in those lies that they were just that - lies.

Then I cried again, this time not because of the lies I had been told but because I had believed them, because of the defeat I had willingly accepted.

Truth is, I am pretty enough, funny enough, rich enough, educated enough and most certainly young enough. None of that really even matters anyway. I'd rather be noticed first for having reflected the light that only comes from Christ. Not for a moment did I see a reflection of Jesus in the hearts or actions of the women on The Bachelor (not to mention a reflection of Jesus in the Bachelor himself). I'd honestly give my left leg and all the complements I've ever received to be considered a woman who is a reflection of Jesus and for Jesus to be the first thing he notices (whoever he may be).

So there it is, my confession. If you watch The Bachelor, awesome. Apparently, so do I. This isn't meant to be about whether or not you or I should watch The Bachelor. I'll let you decide that on your own.

However, let's agree to remember as we go about our every day lives to be sober-minded and watchful. We do have an enemy, a real enemy, his name is Satan. He seeks to destroy us and since we do belong to Jesus, he can't actually destroy us. So he will settle for cutting us off at our knees. He'd love to see us live defeated, lukewarm christian lives. He's sneaky. He waits in the dark corners of our minds, calculating his next move, ready to pounce at our weakest moment.

I don't know what kinds of lies Satan sends your way when you are sitting on your couch in your yoga pants and TIU sweatshirt. What I do know is that he is at war with us. I know that he likes to capitalize on my thought life and take me down one lie at a time. I can feel him in a battle for my heart and I am determined to live in the victory Jesus has already won for me...even if that means I can't watch The Bachelor anymore.

All of this will disappear...

I had my iPod on shuffle this afternoon while I was going about my usual Saturday chores. Yes, I just said chores.  I'm not really sure why I said it because I never actually say things like that, and I am sure many of you are thinking, "I didn't know she even did chores..."

The song "All Will Fade Away" by Meredith Andrews came on. I've listened to that song about a million times, but something about it really struck me this afternoon....


"We will see You face to face and all will fade away..."  That is an incredible thought! The fact that one day this world will fade away and I will be caught up with Jesus - with Him forever! An eternity to worship Him, to love Him and be loved by Him. To see Him face to face - the thought is almost too much for my heart to hold! How I long to see His face! I am promised eternity with my Jesus!

Blows away my little mind.

I don't know about you, but it is incredibly comforting to know that there is life beyond what we see. This world is not the end of things for those who know Jesus, there is so much more to look forward to.

I have always believed this to be true, but this afternoon as I was signing away with Meredith I began to ponder how the reality of this truth should impact my every day life. It really, truthfully should cause all else to fade away. It ought to change the very way I live my life.

Honestly, I felt convicted because I know I spend much more of my time focusing on my circumstances and what I want to DO for Jesus than I spend focusing on what HE has DONE for me and how that has completely changed my destiny.

I hear Meredith sing, "In this world we will struggle, but You have overcome the world..." Such comfort in this truth...I will stumble, but my future is secure. Because of JESUS I am established forever (Proverbs 10:25). 

What joy!

And there is more! Because of Jesus there is "hope in suffering." Because of Jesus this "light momentary affliction, is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen..." (2 Cor. 4:17-18) 

What hope!

So as I dusted and organized my earthly possessions I was brought to tears thinking that all of this will disappear, it withers like the grass. I wasn't crying because I want my stuff, I was crying because "no treasure compares to You..." Nothing this world can offer me compares to Jesus. No person or thing could ever possibly offer me the love, comfort, and fulfillment He daily gives to me. And one day I will see HIM face to face. I will see the One my heart so desperately longs to see. I will be caught up with my Jesus. This life, these struggles...all forgotten. 

Jars of Clay

Have you ever had one of those moments where you feel completely crushed emotionally? Just totally worn out, confused, broken, lost? So helpless all you can do is cry? Your need for God to come in and rescue you so great you can barely muster up the strength to call out His Name?

You know, on second thought, don't even answer that. I'm afraid I might be the only one who has these moments, and I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with that reality.

In those moments my mind won't stop reminding me of things lost, things left undone, dreams shattered, lives left hurting. In those moments I question my own strength, my own belief, my own resolve. If I am who I thought I was, why do I have these moments of weakness? If I truly believe that God is Who He promises He is, then why do I struggle? Why do I feel so crushed? In these moments I feel like a failure, too broken to be used for anything of worth. 

Truth is I had a moment like this the other day. I couldn't even tell you what brought it all on, but I was so incredibly overwhelmed. Nothing less than broken.

In the middle of my meltdown Psalm 139 came to mind...all of it...but in particular "You hem me in, behind and before, and lay Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, it is high, I cannot attain it..."

So there I was, mid-melt down, mumbling in a whisper..."You hem me in, You hem me in, You hem me in..." as if some how by saying it over and over again He would find a way to literally hem me back together, stop the sudden rush of tears, and put an end to the emotional chaos.

And I wished in that moment He could literally reach down from heaven and some how rescue me. Like every girl dreams of...a knight in shinning armor kind of rescue...to sweep my off me feet out of this mess and into something beautiful.

But that isn't how it works and I don't really understand. And yes, I know, He HAS already rescued me, given me all I need to live victoriously, but there are just these moments when I feel like I have little to offer and am nothing but a sinning, broken, emotional mess.

And in the middle of it all He has asked me to do certain things that just feel impossible. What do I have to offer anyone at any point in time, but especially on this day when I am this broken?

Then, as if just for this moment, these words in 2 Corinthians 4 came to mind...

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed. Perplexed but not driven to despair, persecuted but not forsaken, struck down but not destroyed. Always carrying in the body the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our bodies."

And then I remember, I am nothing but a jar of clay. A regular, every day, nothing fancy, nothing special vessel, but a vessel all the same. A vessel used by God to show HIS power. And those words "not crushed...not driven to despair...not forsaken...not destroyed" are like salve on my wounds. It was as if God's hand came down from heaven and wiped the tears from my cheeks, took my face in His hands, and whispered to me, "...so that the life of Jesus may be manifested..."

And so those lies regarding my value and worth are torn down by the truth I remember in these verses. And I tell Satan he can take a hike, because it is the broken and the wounded God delights in. He uses even the most broken of vessels to declare His love and His glory to a dark and lost world. 

And so He brought me to this place of emptiness in order to fill me with Himself, so that in my brokenness HIS glory might shine through every crack and crevasse in this jar of clay. So that the life of Jesus might be manifested in my body. 

When Great Men are Made...

My grandfather's death has me contemplating what makes a great man great? This last week as we all said our goodbyes to my grandpa we whispered and proclaimed Jesus' name. HE received the glory for the life my grandpa lived. The legacy he has left behind is not money or some great accomplishment. What my grandpa leaves for us is an example of a life lived for Christ. No, he wasn't perfect. We all have our faults, but he chose Jesus over and over in his own life so that at the end of it we would all proclaim Jesus and give Him glory.



Solomon says in Proverbs 10, "The memory of the righteous is a blessing, but the name of the wicked will rot."

It is true, the memory of my grandpa's life is a blessing. So what makes it so? What makes a man's memory a blessing? It has been rolling around in my own mind for the past several days. A life lived for Christ does not happen by accident. No, a life lived for Christ happens in those secret moments when we are faced with the choice of Christ or the world, life or death, comfort or suffering, Jesus or Satan. When everything around us says to forsake Christ, do our own thing, have our own way but instead, by God's grace, we lift our hands in surrender to Him...we choose Jesus. It is those moments, when no one else is looking, that our legacy is decided.

"Only one life so soon will pass, only what's done for Christ will last..."

Perhaps it is the emotion from the loss of someone I love, but I can't help but fall on my face before the Lord and cry out to Him - I want my life to be His. So desperately. I want to be less so that He can be more, but how? 

I feel convicted.

Convicted because I know I fail. Pride. Ugh, Pride! Oswald Chambers calls it "The greatest curse in our spiritual life." This idea that I am doing "okay." I don't take the Lord's name in vain, I don't watch "those" kinds of movies, I don't participate in "those" types of activities....on and on.

I don't, I don't, I don't....but what in the world do I DO? What do you DO?

In those secret moments, when no one else is watching am I, are we, living for Jesus? It is one thing to proudly proclaim Jesus when all the Christians are watching, but what do I proclaim when no one is watching? Or when the unsaved are watching? 

Convicting.

My grandpa didn't suddenly wake up at 93 and was a godly man. No, he lived out 93 years of life struggling, battling Satan and this world. Consistently calling out the name of Jesus so that he could lie on his death bed at 93 and hear his children and grandchildren declare his life a blessing and proclaim the very name of Christ. 

It all has my mind spinning, contemplating my own life. Who is Tiffany when no one else is watching? Who are you when no one is watching? What makes me think that I'll wake up at 93 and be a godly woman? That is decided today, and tomorrow, and the day after that. As I choose who I will serve moment by moment. 

We must seek to be today who we would hope to be tomorrow. I won't suddenly become a godly wife when I marry a godly man. I must seek to be that godly woman today. I won't suddenly be a godly mom when I have children if I am not seeking to be godly today. 

So simple, so complicated.

It is only by God's grace that I would choose Him, only because of His strong hold on me that I can believe I will live my life for Christ, that I will be remembered as a godly woman.

I feel determined. 

Determined to live for Jesus, and I think this is key. A life lived for Christ involves a choice, a conscious decision to say no to my way of living and yes to His way. This is where I falter, it isn't easy. A life lived for Christ requires discipline and sacrifice. This world calls, offers instant gratification, and tells me I shouldn't have to suffer or sacrifice. Yet under the facade of "happiness" is emptiness and death. 

I challenge you, as I challenge myself, to be who God would want you to be TODAY. Don't wait until you are old, choose Jesus now, in those moments...when no one else watches...when the real you is laid bare before an Almighty God, when Satan temps you and calls out to you, when it seems your choice may not have that great of impact on your life, when that sin doesn't seem all that bad, when you feel weary of doing good...in those moments whisper Jesus' name. Surrender. Be His. Choose Him. Those are the moments when our legacy is decided, that is when great men are made. 

Grandpa

Tonight, in Florida, my dear Grandpa is living his last moments here on this earth. Family members have rushed to his side to be with him as he breathes his last breath here in this broken, sin ridden place. He will soon be with the One he loves, with unveiled face he will see Jesus.

What joy!

What joy for him as he leaves this filth, this world that is so messed up. He leaves a body that has failed him, a mind that has forgotten most of his family and much of his past and present. He leaves us, his children and his grandchildren. It is time now to say goodbye, not a forever goodbye, but a goodbye nonetheless. 

What sorrow!

What sorrow for us as we learn to live without this man we love so much. 

"Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, were is your sting?"

What victory! As my grandpa walks from darkness into the Light of Jesus' arms. And he will soon join the angels in saying "Worthy is the Lamb who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing!" (Rev. 5:12)

Because I can't be there with him, hold his hand, comfort him, or say my goodbye, I have turned to the only way I can think to honor and remember him now...my words. Please forgive my ramblings...but I want to tell you a small bit about the man I call Grandpa...

When I was young (and my grandparents were young too) I would anticipate the arrival of Grandma and Grandpa's annual summer visit with excitement, happiness, and a dust rag. Mom would be cleaning the house like a crazy lady which meant we needed to clean too. Every corner of the house was vacuumed and dusted, everything would be in its place and then we would wait. Wait to see their silver car pull into our driveway. It was as exciting as Christmas. 

They came with boxes and boxes of peaches from Georgia. For the next several days we would have peaches on our cereal every morning and peach pie after dinner every night. Grandma was always in the kitchen making us something delicious and Grandpa was always busy tinkering around the house, clipping coupons, and running out to the grocery store to pick up the things Grandma needed. 

I remember waking up one summer morning, no one else was up - except for Grandpa. He was sitting on the living room floor - still in his pajamas - clipping coupons as the warm summer sun poured through the window. 

His unshaven face was prickly with grey white hairs. His light blue pajamas worn out and faded. I kneel beside him and inquire about what he is doing. Grandpa had what seemed like thousands of coupons. He clipped them diligently and organized them in folders. He shares his filing system with me and then asks if I want some breakfast. Of course I do, so we move to the kitchen and he pours me a bowl of cereal, meticulously peels a peach and slices it over my breakfast. It was the best way to start a summer day.

I remember crawling into the back of Grandpa's car with my sister, the seats hot from the summer sun, seat belt buckle burning my hand as I buckle in...the three of us were off to the grocery store to buy whatever it was Grandma needed and a few extra things too. On the ride to the store Grandpa would begin singing this silly song. He knew all the words, but all I remember is:

Bullfrog sittin' on a lily pad lookin' up at the sky
The lily pad broke and the frog fell in, got water in his eye.
O, it ain't gonna rain no mo, no mo, ain't gonna rain no more
How the heck can I wash my neck if it ain't gonna rain no more?

We'd sing the song all the way there and all the way home. I always wondered what in the world it was about. The best part was the last line because we got to say "heck" and not get in trouble. 

Did he know when singing that silly Bullfrog song he was knitting my heart to his, making memories with me I would never forget? Did he know that as he sliced those peaches over my cereal he was creating a childhood worth remembering? Did he know that when he called Grandma "Darlin'" and teased her relentlessly he made this little girl dream of knowing a love just like theirs? Did he know that when he chose Jesus he provided me with a Godly heritage? Did he know that when he chose to live his life to honor his Heavenly Father, he became a light to his granddaughter, an example of her Heavenly Father's love for her?

My grandpa will be remembered for many things. He was a war hero, an amazing husband and father, an excellent businessman, a servant in his church, a giving friend, and the list goes on. But I know that my grandpa would not desire to be remembered for these things. Because my grandpa would proclaim with Paul, "Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord." (Philippians 3:8)

None of these accolades are what he will declare to God Almighty when he reaches the gates of heaven. No, he will fall on his face and proclaim the Name of Jesus, the very Son of God, who knew no sin but took his sin so that he could have eternal life, who shed HIS blood so that he might know HIM and live with Him forever!

So what I want to shout to all the world (or at least the 3 of you who are reading my blog) is that my grandpa LOVES JESUS! Because of Jesus his life had purpose, because of Jesus he was a hero, an amazing husband and father, an excellent businessman, a servant in his church, and a giving friend. Because of Jesus I know that I will be with my grandpa again. Because of Jesus I can declare "Death is swallowed up in victory!" and very soon my grandpa will experience this victory in its fullest!