Jars of Clay

Have you ever had one of those moments where you feel completely crushed emotionally? Just totally worn out, confused, broken, lost? So helpless all you can do is cry? Your need for God to come in and rescue you so great you can barely muster up the strength to call out His Name?

You know, on second thought, don't even answer that. I'm afraid I might be the only one who has these moments, and I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with that reality.

In those moments my mind won't stop reminding me of things lost, things left undone, dreams shattered, lives left hurting. In those moments I question my own strength, my own belief, my own resolve. If I am who I thought I was, why do I have these moments of weakness? If I truly believe that God is Who He promises He is, then why do I struggle? Why do I feel so crushed? In these moments I feel like a failure, too broken to be used for anything of worth. 

Truth is I had a moment like this the other day. I couldn't even tell you what brought it all on, but I was so incredibly overwhelmed. Nothing less than broken.

In the middle of my meltdown Psalm 139 came to mind...all of it...but in particular "You hem me in, behind and before, and lay Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, it is high, I cannot attain it..."

So there I was, mid-melt down, mumbling in a whisper..."You hem me in, You hem me in, You hem me in..." as if some how by saying it over and over again He would find a way to literally hem me back together, stop the sudden rush of tears, and put an end to the emotional chaos.

And I wished in that moment He could literally reach down from heaven and some how rescue me. Like every girl dreams of...a knight in shinning armor kind of rescue...to sweep my off me feet out of this mess and into something beautiful.

But that isn't how it works and I don't really understand. And yes, I know, He HAS already rescued me, given me all I need to live victoriously, but there are just these moments when I feel like I have little to offer and am nothing but a sinning, broken, emotional mess.

And in the middle of it all He has asked me to do certain things that just feel impossible. What do I have to offer anyone at any point in time, but especially on this day when I am this broken?

Then, as if just for this moment, these words in 2 Corinthians 4 came to mind...

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed. Perplexed but not driven to despair, persecuted but not forsaken, struck down but not destroyed. Always carrying in the body the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our bodies."

And then I remember, I am nothing but a jar of clay. A regular, every day, nothing fancy, nothing special vessel, but a vessel all the same. A vessel used by God to show HIS power. And those words "not crushed...not driven to despair...not forsaken...not destroyed" are like salve on my wounds. It was as if God's hand came down from heaven and wiped the tears from my cheeks, took my face in His hands, and whispered to me, "...so that the life of Jesus may be manifested..."

And so those lies regarding my value and worth are torn down by the truth I remember in these verses. And I tell Satan he can take a hike, because it is the broken and the wounded God delights in. He uses even the most broken of vessels to declare His love and His glory to a dark and lost world. 

And so He brought me to this place of emptiness in order to fill me with Himself, so that in my brokenness HIS glory might shine through every crack and crevasse in this jar of clay. So that the life of Jesus might be manifested in my body.