Motivation

What's your motivation?

Do I love Jesus simply because He loves me? Or is my love for Him motivated by what I desire to receive from Him?

These are questions (among many others) that were raised while I was sitting in a pew at church last weekend attending a conference for women. Within (what felt like) minutes of the start of the conference my heart was being challenged. I expected God to do this - because I had asked Him to challenge me and He took me up on my invitation. I'm always surprised when He does this...I really should start to get used to it.

It began with something like "Give God the ONE THING you're afraid to lose." Say what? I was thinking something more along the lines of a good message on prayer or a challenge to have a more positive attitude or something relatively "easy." Not that "anything" I am legit afraid of losing!! Talk about off to a great start...I had that lump in my throat, that feeling of "oh my! He's going to go there today."

Yep. He went there.

Anyway, during the main session of the conference the keynote speaker was sharing  a story about her young son. She said every once in a while he crawls up into her lap and loves on her and then...before not to long he is reaching for the iphone in her back pocket. She was comparing what her son does to what we often do with our Heavenly Father. He longs to give us just His love, knowing this is really all that we need, all while we are constantly reaching for the iphone in His back pocket. The "iphone" being that "anything" we desire above His love.

This analogy has been running through my mind since she shared it with us on Saturday. The more I think on it the more I am aware of my lack of surrender, my pride, and what motivates me in my walk with Jesus. I began thinking about how I am so much like her young son - how I love on God simply to get what I want from Him. I want security, protection, blessing - so I devote my life to Him and expect that He give me those things in return. Then when He doesn't do what I think He ought to do I find myself grumbling, thinking that I have done the right things so why isn't HE doing HIS part. For real, how ugly is that? Writing it out is actually rather embarrassing. I've typed and deleted that thought about 5 times now. It's the truth, though, so it has to be said.

Let's be real, what of those of us who honest to goodness LOVE Jesus only to have horrible things happen in our lives? To have good things seemingly ripped from our hands. Blessings stollen away, security shattered, and protection entirely thwarted. All while we have done nothing but love Jesus and give our lives to Him!? Why would a loving God allow horrible things to come upon His children?

Honestly, it kind of blows my mind....but God does work this way. I so easily forget that His ways are so far above my own - I can't possibly comprehend them. We live in a world that has been poisoned by sin. Which means, bad things happen. Trials come. Hearts break. Do I love and trust Him enough to accept even these things as allowed by Him?

Let me tell you, it is darn easy to stand at a women's conference with arms stretched wide before the Lord and declare (while the music plays of course) my own surrender, my desire to be completely His. I'm actually feeling rather comfortable there in my H&M shirt and my scarf, hair and makeup just so. I don't feel sick, or tired, worn out or lonely. It isn't like this isn't a sincere moment - but when the rubber meets the road, when life comes crashing down around you, it's a whole different ball game. I'm watching some people pretty close to me suffer in a rather significant way and I'm pretty positive that when they surrendered their lives to Jesus they didn't have these "rewards" in mind.

Truth is sometimes I find myself loving Jesus for what He could give me. I desire to be a woman of integrity so that He will allow me to marry a man of the same character. Jesus, I want to be sold out for You, but can I keep my H&M clothes and my scarf? Oh and don't ask me to be single or to stay at that job or move to that place, etc....Jesus, I love You. Don't You think it's time You started to give me those good things I've been waiting for? What good is it if my motivation for becoming a godly woman is only for what I can gain?? It is pointless....completely empty.

God wants to lavish us with His love and His love alone. He doesn't want us reaching for the iphone in His back pocket. He desires our devotion to Him to be motivated entirely out of love for Him. Period.

Sometimes I feel like God is keeping my "anything" in His back pocket to torture me. As if to say, if you love Me enough and do the right things enough times then maybe I will let you have this "anything" I am keeping here in My back pocket - maybe.

That's just ridiculous...typing it out for you to read makes me feel rather foolish. It isn't like I don't know this isn't in any way how God works. He doesn't dangle good things over our heads like a carrot. In fact, that is one thing that makes God so incredible - He lets us make our own choices! He WANTS us to make our own choice. It's called free will. He doesn't want us to choose Him because He talked us into it or forced us to.

I'm reminded of the song Oh How I Love Jesus. Do you know it? Oh how I love Jesus, Oh how I love Jesus, Oh how I love Jesus because He first loved me. It doesn't say because He's going to give me everything I want and make my life a happily-ever-after-fairy-tale. Nope. Just because He loved first.

I want my motives to be pure, but so often I feel like they are muddled up by my pride and my desire for certain things in life. When I tell Jesus He can have EVERYTHING I want to mean EVERYTHING. I want it to come from a place of pure and total surrender. I want to love because He loved first. I want to surrender because He is God Almighty, completely trustworthy and capable of handling all my hopes and dreams - however big or small. I want my life to be HIS - not for what He could give me but because of WHO He is. Period.