Broken Bones and Bloody Noses...

I broke my arm when I was a little girl. It actually wasn’t 100% my fault, my brother’s best friend accidentally jumped on my left arm breaking both my ulna and radius bones. I have teased him about this for years, the joke never seems to get old. I’ll never forget seeing my arm unnaturally bent and instinctively knowing I needed my mom – like NOW! Turns out the bones weren’t completely broken, so when I got to the hospital the doctor had to break the bones and reset them so they would heal properly. I think I was a pretty tough kid, in fact, I still think I’m pretty tough, but it hurt. I remember being alone in the exam room with the doctor and the nurse. It had been decided they would not numb my arm before doing the procedure since little kids are terrified of needles (but he didn’t realize I had absolutely no fear of them). They also wouldn’t allow my mom to be in the room with me because I had been to the hospital so frequently with various injuries they seriously thought she might be beating me up. Don’t worry, she wasn’t, I just had a really hard time walking and running without finding some way to put a gash in my face large enough to alarm my mother.

I remember that exam room vividly, my mom’s face in the window in the door and feeling sad she couldn’t be with me. She was out there plotting ways to inflict serious physical harm on the doctor – trust me, she was not happy they didn’t allow her in the room! Anyway, what the doctor had to do hurt, seriously hurt, but it had to be done or my arm wouldn’t heal the way it needed too. I remember a single tear falling down my cheek and the nurse praising me for being so brave.

Life is pain sometimes. It honest to goodness just hurts. The older I get the more pain I experience and the more I see those I love go though painful circumstances too. We all hurt for different reasons and the degrees of our pain may vary – but the reality is sometimes we just have to hurt. I hate that.

There is this circumstance in my life today and I’d like to deny that it’s bothering me, but it’s time to get real, it’s bothering me. It is this lingering ache that intensifies every so often and pain from my past rears its ugly head and I just hurt. What amazes me is how I can be so happy one moment and then the next be brought to my knees in literal agony. I’m not kidding you – agony. My natural response it to find something to numb the pain. I want to be distracted, I want to shut off my brain and not think about it, I want to feel better even if it’s just for a moment. I run around looking for ways to numb this pain and, honestly, none of it actually works and some of it brings even more pain. I have this incredible ability to stuff my hurt back to the farthest corners of my brain and leave it there. Sometimes I even forget it’s back there, but it is back there, and the longer I ignore it the more it festers and grows into something ugly. I know I should deal with it, but it’s easier to find other things to distract me from it.

I was never a very athletic kid, but my brother was. There was this time when my brother was playing soccer with friends and I was the annoying little sister who begged to play, so he put me in the goal. Smart, Matt. It wasn’t long before I had a soccer ball right in the face. My nose was bleeding, but I wanted to keep playing. I remember Matt coming over to me and telling me to go home and deal with my nose – I couldn’t keep playing when I had blood on my face. I was convinced he was just being mean and didn’t want me to play...but I went home.

I’m still that girl sometimes – the one who wants to pretend there isn’t blood dripping down my face and keep playing. I want to clean the blood up and stay in the game, but sometimes we just need to step out for a moment and deal with what’s hurting us.

What I’ve been learning is that I need to simply face that pain. I need to stop seeking ways to erase it from my life and instead feel it. There are these circumstances that are completely out of our control – when someone else hurts us and there is literally nothing we can do about that hurt. It’s there and it isn’t going to go away. And in some cases, the source of our pain likes to step in and hurt us a little more. Like salt on our wounds and what we thought was healing is all ripped up and hurting again. We begin to think we have completely lost our minds, crying over something we shouldn’t be crying over. And our enemy, the devil, sees us with our guard down and capitalizes on our weakness. The battle just got really ugly.

I had to hurt the day I broke my arm – there was good reason for more pain to be inflicted on my little body, because without it I wouldn’t heal properly and I wouldn't be able to use my arm. The pain was actually for my own good. Feeling it meant healing. I wouldn’t heal well if I didn’t experience it.

The pain this life brings us is, yes, really horrible but if we just ignore it or put band aids over it we'll never really heal. It’s an opportunity. In some crazy, God-only way, our Father uses that pain to show us these amazing parts of Himself. Qualities we’d miss if we weren’t curled up in a ball crying our eyes out. We run to other sources of comfort and find relief for a moment, but it really is only in His presence that we can find healing. He doesn’t take the pain away. Nope. He doesn’t miraculously make it possible for us to simply not feel the hurt. I’ve asked Him to do this for me, and He hasn’t decided this is a good idea. Instead He loves, and comforts, and through His Spirit ministers to my little breaking heart. He doesn’t let me skip over the pain but asks me to trust Him in allowing it. I'm thinking, I'm hoping, that this is how it is for all of us...

So it's true, life hurts...sometimes it really hurts. But...

There will come a day, standing face to face. IN A MOMENT, we'll be LIKE HIM. He will wipe our eyes dry, take us up to His side and FOREVER, WE WILL BE HIS!

This is what I cling to in these moments...when life hurts...when the past weighs heavy on me...when I feel alone...when life feels hopeless...I look to HIM and I look forward to that moment when He draws me to Himself, wipes my tears away, and I am forever His. Suddenly, I am surrendered. The pain rages on, but I hold fast to Jesus and His promise to one day take me away to the place where my pain is no more and He is all I see. 

Soap Box

I'm climbing on my soap box. Brace yourselves, this post has been brewing in my mind for some time, it's 3:30 in the morning and I can't sleep - anything could happen.... 

You know that verse in Proverbs that starts out "A godly wife who can find?" Well that verse has been on my brain a lot - only I change it to say "A godly man who can find?" because to be honest, a true man of God seems hard to find. Now when I say "hard to find" I mean completely impossible. Alright...alright, slight exaggeration there, but I'm beginning to think this brand of Christian has been sold out. I can't tell you how many times I've looked friends in the eyes and told them how it is honest to goodness impossible to find a man who is in fact sold out for the Lord. 

Now this might seem shocking to many of you, because there are so many nice young men around. They show up in church in their button up shirts and designer jeans, bibles in hand ready to worship. But let's be real, it is about way more than button up shirts and bibles. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want my man to come to church and look nice. I want him to actually listen to the sermon and pull a bible out to read when we are instructed to. I'd like him to do more than stand, hands in pockets, during worship. However, I'd really like a man who cracks open that bible on a - wait for it- daily basis. Is it too much to ask for a man who might actually utter a prayer in the middle of the week that involves more words than Thank you, Lord for this meal???

Sometimes I get the impression I may be asking too much, perhaps I've set the bar too high? 

Seems to me most single men are more concerned with building their muscles than they are building their relationships with Jesus. I mean, I've encountered some rather good looking men who have all the time in the world to go to the gym and lift weights, but can't seem to find the time to read their bible, pray, or cultivate God honoring relationships with other godly men. Don't get me wrong, I like a guy with muscles as much as the next girl, but I'd take Chandler Bing over Channing Tatum if the words he spoke were coming from a heart filled with the Holy Spirit. 

Now I'm not sure if you have heard, but I'm 30 and the guys who are asking me out are, well...they aren't 18. And some of them, not all of them (so if you are reading this and you have asked me out, don't freak out), are asking themselves and now me, why they are still single. This is actually not a cool question to ask the woman you've decided to take for coffee, but since you asked...stop asking that! Goodness! First of all, there are about five million reasons why you might be single, and if it is really bothering you why don't you stop playing the desperate card and start doing the work of making yourself ready for marriage. I'm finding it to be an incredibly difficult process. When done properly, the Lord gets all up in your business and starts messing with things you'd rather He not mess with. I discovered that just because I show up at church in my high heels and scarves with my bible ready to worship doesn't actually have a single thing to do with the state of my heart before the Lord. Turns out, there is this messy business of dealing with past sin and past hurt, letting go of selfishness and pride, learning how to make Jesus a part of my every day life, and giving up my own wants, needs, desires, hopes, and dreams so that HE can have HIS own way with me. This is messy business indeed. I'm not saying I have it all figured out, I'm just saying  you might want to consider making this a focus.

You may be asking, since I am apparently now talking to my single male readers...which I'm not really sure are a part of my blog traffic..."I'm working on my relationship with Jesus, but why can't I find a nice girl to date me?" Might I suggest you stop saying things like that too? If you really need a project to focus on, let me suggest putting your focus on growing up. I'm talking about doing things like getting a job, getting out of debt, throwing away the clothes you wore in high school, cleaning out your car, learning to do your own laundry, learning to cook, cleaning your bathroom, taking down your Matrix posters and putting up grown up wall decor. Don't panic. She is out there, but most of the solid christian women I know would really rather go out with a guy who is willing and able to pay for her meal without complaining about it. 

Now, finally, since it is after 4am and I'm thinking I should be able to get an hour of sleep tonight, can we all just agree not to worry about all of this? I'm discovering that at every failed relationship or at the end of every bad date is often this feeling of discouragement and fear that it is never going to work out. Looking back, I can honestly say that I am grateful to the Lord that all of my past relationships and past attempts at relationships didn't work out. Every experience has been used by God to do that messy work I was talking about earlier - to refine me and make me more like the woman He wants me to be. If I really believe that God is sovereign, that He is in fact in control, then I need to recognize that it is only because my sight is limited that I feel there are no longer any truly Godly single men left in this world. God's got it. In fact, He has known from before the start of time who I would marry. He's just busy doing the messy work in my heart and his before He brings us together. I pray every day for that man, whoever he is, that God refine and shape him into just the right man for me.

I'm not going to pretend I'm perfect, but I do think I deserve a man who's heart is sold out for Jesus, and I refuse to settle for anything less.

Summer

Summer makes me happy. I don't know if it's the endless winters here in Wisconsin or because my birthday always seems to mark the unofficial start - it just makes me happy. The sun feels warm on my skin while I'm driving in the car. I can finally leave the house without a coat on. I get to wear flip flops. My plans are made around the next visit to the pool or evening jog. I eat watermelon and hamburgers like they are going out of style. Hair in a messy ponytail, sun burned cheeks and shoulders, sunglasses, iced tea, sunsets and summer nights. It feels a little bit like heaven and these last couple days have been almost more heaven than I ever thought possible. 

Just a few days ago I celebrated my 30th birthday and I have found myself in the process of celebrating with one friend or another over the course of the past 7 days. And what I expected would be the most difficult birthday of my entire existence has turned out to be one of the most amazing birthdays of my life. 

That is saying a lot, because one year I got a real baby stroller for my birthday - that day was pretty fantastic. And the authentic baby accessories didn't stop there. I was even given real baby diapers and bottles for my doll. And as I pushed my precious baby, Matthew, in his new stroller, I was pretty sure then my life had reached an all time high and it was only going to be down hill from there. That was last year...kidding, kidding...I was probably 7.

Then came along my 16th birthday and while visiting my grandparents in Florida we made a stop to see the ocean. My tan little Midwestern toes had never felt the salty sea water before and I tried to play it cool, but as I watched the waves crash and felt the cold water my heart filled with emotion and I was perfectly happy. Even when the dark gray clouds came in and poured down rain, I couldn't have dreamed up a better moment than that one. 

But this year, on my 30th birthday, I did all my favorite things. I slept in until 10 in the morning and I had breakfast in my pajamas. I sat on my patio and took my time reading my bible and scribbling in my journal. I listened to my favorite music and went to the pool. I sat in the sun for hours and have peeling skin on my shoulders to prove it. I was brought pasta, Diet Dr. Pepper, and got to spend time with one of the most amazing little girls on this planet. And then in the days the followed I spent time with the people I love most in all of the world. And we have laughed and eaten and opened presents.  I watched What About Bob with my family and we quoted our favorite lines. I scored awesome parking spots and sweet clearance buys with my best friend. And we walked and shopped and talked and remembered all the years we've had together and with out actually saying, declared that regardless of how difficult life may became we will always be in each other's corner. I laughed with girlfriends over massive servings of fried chicken and actually felt thankful I was single so I could have so many nights out in a row. I searched for my desk in a sea of pink presents from my coworkers and plan to share the massive amounts of candy with anyone who comes in my office for the next 6 months, but the case of Diet Dr. Pepper is all mine.  I had long phone calls with far away friends, emails from old friends, and stayed up late playing on my new iPhone. I have done all of this and more and every night for the past 7 days I have gone to bed too happy to sleep. 

And then today as the birthday blessings continue to pour in, I ate pasta with another best friend and told her how wonderful 30 was turning out to be. And between sips of lemonade and bites of chicken I told her how Jesus had so graciously reminded me of how He redeemed me and loved me with a love that never fails. How He has used so many people to remind me of His great love for me.  How I felt joy. Not because I had sunburn on my cheeks or an iPhone, not because of a person or a circumstance but because Jesus loves me. I felt happy. He has, in His great grace, given me so much to find happy in my life. 

So tonight, as I watch the pinks and purples of a beautiful sunset from my little patio, I am more than happy. I am full of joy - a joy that could only come from the Lord. He has been good. For 30 years He has lavished me with grace and love I could never deserve. He has loved me like none other. And on top of all that - He has given me summertime - full of warm days and pool time, family and friends, sunburn and tan lines, flip flops and sunglasses....

These days have felt like more heaven than I could have dreamed of and I want to enjoy every moment of it!