It is 12:30 in the morning, I’m listening to the song “Call Your Name” by Daughtry. I love Daughtry. I have since American Idol. I just happened upon this song on iTunes tonight in my complete boredom. It is, somehow, perfect. I’m thinking about fireflies. I see them on my drive home from work every night, thousands of them. There were more in our yard when I walked to my car to get my iPod. Hundreds of them just flickering in the summer night. It really is beautiful. I remember when I was a little girl running around the backyard trying to catch them on hot summer nights. I was always a little afraid of actually having to hold one, so I may not have tried as hard as I could have to actually catch them. I did, however, catch them. I think my sister always out did me on the number of fireflies actually captured. We used to fill jars with them and then feel bad and let them go. They did look a little creepy and pathetic in those jars…just banging against the glass…trying to get out. I feel a bit like those fireflies tonight….a firefly caught in a jar. I feel like I am in a place I don’t belong and I’m not really sure how I got here, but here I am…banging against the glass. Perhaps I need to surrender to the reality the Lord has put me in this summer, but I can’t help but want to be set free…or to be that little girl again, running around the back yard catching fireflies…
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Reality
Ever had one of those mornings when getting out of bed just feels impossible? I have them every day. I’m proud to admit that sleeping is my favorite thing to do. Probably because it is an escape and every once in a while my dreams take me to a place I actually want to be. Reality can totally bite.
This morning was a rainy overcast morning, it felt almost like night time in my room. If it hadn’t been for my screaming alarm I may have believed it was still the middle of the night, but it wasn’t. It was actually time to get up. My bed felt oh so comfortable. I believed for a moment it had actually taken me hostage and it was literally physically impossible to force my tired body out of it. I moved…I was wrong. The sheets felt cool and crisp, just as they should on a summer morning. I stretch my legs and arms across the bed as far as they could possible stretch. Nothing could feel more wonderful than my warm body reaching the cool corners of my bed. I could feel the scratchy fabric of my pillowcase against my face and I closed my eyes and pressed my face into my pillow harder. I.did.not.want.to.get.up. Just five more minutes, or 10, or 20, or an hour. Is it possible to spend a whole day in bed? I never had, but if I could I would have spent today in bed. Oh, I should have.
About reality, yeah, it does suck. It slapped me in the face big time today. I’m 28, but sometimes I really do feel like I am about 12, such a little girl with so very much to learn. Why is it always so hard for me? The happy moments never seem to last longer than 30 seconds and I feel like I am constantly at war with myself and my life. Just once, it would be wonderful if just one of my dreams would come true. I don’t even need all of them to come true, but maybe just one. Let me teach or let me fall in love? I’m asking too much.
Today I received and email thanking me for participating in the search for a teacher in the Oconomowoc School District. No, I didn’t get the job. Honestly, it sucked. That was my only real possibility. Three interviews and so much hope and just like that….SLAP. Reality bites. Now what? I honestly feel so lost, is it really supposed to be this difficult? If the Lord wanted me to teach wouldn’t it all just work out, fall into place, happen!?! I’m honestly at a loss, hope is far away. I realize I shouldn’t allow myself to even go to this place, but I am there. At least today I am. I’d like to be in my bed, with my arms and legs stretching from one edge to the other and my face planted in my perfectly soft pillow. In my dreams, I’m a teacher. I’m a wife. I’m a mom. I’d like to be there…in my dreams.
The good news is I’m going to bed now. I’m going to take my weary and disappointed body and crawl into my big, soft bed. The covers will be cool and crisp, just like they should be. I’ll curl up like a little baby and find comfort in the fact that in this place I can be the little girl that I feel I am tonight. I’ll cry and the scratchy fabric of my pillowcase will start to feel wet. I hate that. I’ll eventually fall asleep and maybe in my dreams I’ll feel happy. Tomorrow is a new day and I probably won’t want to get out of bed.
This morning was a rainy overcast morning, it felt almost like night time in my room. If it hadn’t been for my screaming alarm I may have believed it was still the middle of the night, but it wasn’t. It was actually time to get up. My bed felt oh so comfortable. I believed for a moment it had actually taken me hostage and it was literally physically impossible to force my tired body out of it. I moved…I was wrong. The sheets felt cool and crisp, just as they should on a summer morning. I stretch my legs and arms across the bed as far as they could possible stretch. Nothing could feel more wonderful than my warm body reaching the cool corners of my bed. I could feel the scratchy fabric of my pillowcase against my face and I closed my eyes and pressed my face into my pillow harder. I.did.not.want.to.get.up. Just five more minutes, or 10, or 20, or an hour. Is it possible to spend a whole day in bed? I never had, but if I could I would have spent today in bed. Oh, I should have.
About reality, yeah, it does suck. It slapped me in the face big time today. I’m 28, but sometimes I really do feel like I am about 12, such a little girl with so very much to learn. Why is it always so hard for me? The happy moments never seem to last longer than 30 seconds and I feel like I am constantly at war with myself and my life. Just once, it would be wonderful if just one of my dreams would come true. I don’t even need all of them to come true, but maybe just one. Let me teach or let me fall in love? I’m asking too much.
Today I received and email thanking me for participating in the search for a teacher in the Oconomowoc School District. No, I didn’t get the job. Honestly, it sucked. That was my only real possibility. Three interviews and so much hope and just like that….SLAP. Reality bites. Now what? I honestly feel so lost, is it really supposed to be this difficult? If the Lord wanted me to teach wouldn’t it all just work out, fall into place, happen!?! I’m honestly at a loss, hope is far away. I realize I shouldn’t allow myself to even go to this place, but I am there. At least today I am. I’d like to be in my bed, with my arms and legs stretching from one edge to the other and my face planted in my perfectly soft pillow. In my dreams, I’m a teacher. I’m a wife. I’m a mom. I’d like to be there…in my dreams.
The good news is I’m going to bed now. I’m going to take my weary and disappointed body and crawl into my big, soft bed. The covers will be cool and crisp, just like they should be. I’ll curl up like a little baby and find comfort in the fact that in this place I can be the little girl that I feel I am tonight. I’ll cry and the scratchy fabric of my pillowcase will start to feel wet. I hate that. I’ll eventually fall asleep and maybe in my dreams I’ll feel happy. Tomorrow is a new day and I probably won’t want to get out of bed.
Friday, February 18, 2011
I never really thought it would be possible to have a career that brings me this much pleasure. I love every aspect of teaching - even on those long hard days. Staying late at school doesn't seem all that horrible when it means I am learning and growing as an educator. Now, over a month into student teaching, I know my students. I know who struggles with reading and who won't be able to keep up with the rest of the class during math. Knowing these things doesn't make teaching them any easier, but at least I recognize their needs. I'm amazed at how much I have changed in just a short period of time. Oh how I long for the day when teaching is second nature, but for now it requires so much more thought and preparation!
This week was an excellent one! In spite of the fact that I began it with a rash covering every inch of my body and who knows if I actually passed my APT test or not. The point is, I taught for almost the entire day and I lived to tell about it. Even better, the kids lived to tell about it. I still have so much to learn and so far to go when it comes to instruction. Sometimes I get frustrated with myself over how difficult it can be for me to explain things to my first graders. I am told, all of this comes with practice.
I also discovered this week what a truly horrible thing divorce is. Oh how I hate it and the way it hurts my sweet little first graders. There are several students in my classroom who's parents are going through a divorce right now and boy oh boy is it impacting their emotions, ability to work at school, and their overall well being. If only parents would realize what they are doing to their sweet children when they decide they can't put up with each other any more. I had one student tell me today that he lives with his dad every other weekend because his "mom and dad couldn't stop fighting and dad kept getting arrested, so they had to get divorced." WHAT!?! Completely breaks my heart. I hope that for even just a moment my student felt the love of Jesus through me at some point in this week. Especially for my students who's lives seem so much more complicated than they should be for a little 6 year old child!
This week was an excellent one! In spite of the fact that I began it with a rash covering every inch of my body and who knows if I actually passed my APT test or not. The point is, I taught for almost the entire day and I lived to tell about it. Even better, the kids lived to tell about it. I still have so much to learn and so far to go when it comes to instruction. Sometimes I get frustrated with myself over how difficult it can be for me to explain things to my first graders. I am told, all of this comes with practice.
I also discovered this week what a truly horrible thing divorce is. Oh how I hate it and the way it hurts my sweet little first graders. There are several students in my classroom who's parents are going through a divorce right now and boy oh boy is it impacting their emotions, ability to work at school, and their overall well being. If only parents would realize what they are doing to their sweet children when they decide they can't put up with each other any more. I had one student tell me today that he lives with his dad every other weekend because his "mom and dad couldn't stop fighting and dad kept getting arrested, so they had to get divorced." WHAT!?! Completely breaks my heart. I hope that for even just a moment my student felt the love of Jesus through me at some point in this week. Especially for my students who's lives seem so much more complicated than they should be for a little 6 year old child!
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