Ramblings...

This white chocolate peppermint hot chocolate is pretty darn good and it is helping to mask how pathetic I feel sitting here at Stone Creek Coffee - alone. I do it all the time, but for some reason being surrounded by chattery, young college students has me feeling a bit inferior. I should get over it. I’ll work on that. 

I’m trying to become a writer. You know, one of those people who is incredibly creative and has an amazing way of describing the most ridiculous things in the most beautiful ways. Perhaps that will never really be me, but sitting here typing away on my MacBook makes me feel a little more like a human being with value. It just took a while to get past the, “oh my gosh, I feel so old sitting here” feelings. I think I am getting over all of that now...well maybe. I’m back on the college students and I’m pretty sure I was going to get over that.

Let’s talk about relationships. I am slowly becoming an expert on relationships that end with no real reason. Through it all I believe I am learning an incredible lesson, one I want to pass along in someway to other young ladies. However, I’m not really sure how that can actually be done. For the time being, I’ll write about it because writing is what makes my poor lonely soul feel like it has a voice. It also make the loneliness feel like it has a purpose and the lessons I learn could not be learned in any other way. It is, however, slightly terrifying to put some of your most personal mistakes and lessons learned up on the internet for the world to read. Who am I kidding, no one really reads my blog, but what if someone did one day! Randomly an actual human being, maybe someone I even know, could stubble upon my silly little blog and shake their heads over my ridiculous ramblings on and on about things that more than likely make literally no sense at all. Oh my, I think I should begin reconsidering my decision on this one. 

Fireflies

It is 12:30 in the morning, I’m listening to the song “Call Your Name” by Daughtry. I love Daughtry. I have since American Idol. I just happened upon this song on iTunes tonight in my complete boredom. It is, somehow, perfect. I’m thinking about fireflies. I see them on my drive home from work every night, thousands of them. There were more in our yard when I walked to my car to get my iPod. Hundreds of them just flickering in the summer night. It really is beautiful. I remember when I was a little girl running around the backyard trying to catch them on hot summer nights. I was always a little afraid of actually having to hold one, so I may not have tried as hard as I could have to actually catch them. I did, however, catch them. I think my sister always out did me on the number of fireflies actually captured. We used to fill jars with them and then feel bad and let them go. They did look a little creepy and pathetic in those jars…just banging against the glass…trying to get out. I feel a bit like those fireflies tonight….a firefly caught in a jar. I feel like I am in a place I don’t belong and I’m not really sure how I got here, but here I am…banging against the glass. Perhaps I need to surrender to the reality the Lord has put me in this summer, but I can’t help but want to be set free…or to be that little girl again, running around the back yard catching fireflies…

Reality

Ever had one of those mornings when getting out of bed just feels impossible? I have them every day. I’m proud to admit that sleeping is my favorite thing to do. Probably because it is an escape and every once in a while my dreams take me to a place I actually want to be. Reality can totally bite.


This morning was a rainy overcast morning, it felt almost like night time in my room. If it hadn’t been for my screaming alarm I may have believed it was still the middle of the night, but it wasn’t. It was actually time to get up. My bed felt oh so comfortable. I believed for a moment it had actually taken me hostage and it was literally physically impossible to force my tired body out of it. I moved…I was wrong. The sheets felt cool and crisp, just as they should on a summer morning. I stretch my legs and arms across the bed as far as they could possible stretch. Nothing could feel more wonderful than my warm body reaching the cool corners of my bed. I could feel the scratchy fabric of my pillowcase against my face and I closed my eyes and pressed my face into my pillow harder. I.did.not.want.to.get.up. Just five more minutes, or 10, or 20, or an hour. Is it possible to spend a whole day in bed? I never had, but if I could I would have spent today in bed. Oh, I should have.

About reality, yeah, it does suck. It slapped me in the face big time today. I’m 28, but sometimes I really do feel like I am about 12, such a little girl with so very much to learn. Why is it always so hard for me? The happy moments never seem to last longer than 30 seconds and I feel like I am constantly at war with myself and my life. Just once, it would be wonderful if just one of my dreams would come true. I don’t even need all of them to come true, but maybe just one. Let me teach or let me fall in love? I’m asking too much.

Today I received and email thanking me for participating in the search for a teacher in the Oconomowoc School District. No, I didn’t get the job. Honestly, it sucked. That was my only real possibility. Three interviews and so much hope and just like that….SLAP. Reality bites. Now what? I honestly feel so lost, is it really supposed to be this difficult? If the Lord wanted me to teach wouldn’t it all just work out, fall into place, happen!?! I’m honestly at a loss, hope is far away. I realize I shouldn’t allow myself to even go to this place, but I am there. At least today I am. I’d like to be in my bed, with my arms and legs stretching from one edge to the other and my face planted in my perfectly soft pillow. In my dreams, I’m a teacher. I’m a wife. I’m a mom. I’d like to be there…in my dreams.

The good news is I’m going to bed now. I’m going to take my weary and disappointed body and crawl into my big, soft bed. The covers will be cool and crisp, just like they should be. I’ll curl up like a little baby and find comfort in the fact that in this place I can be the little girl that I feel I am tonight. I’ll cry and the scratchy fabric of my pillowcase will start to feel wet. I hate that. I’ll eventually fall asleep and maybe in my dreams I’ll feel happy. Tomorrow is a new day and I probably won’t want to get out of bed.